And Aubrey Was Her Name

 I'm sorry. I'm sorry all of the time. I know that my apologizing is tedious. A post of the same shows that I know that I'm tedious. I know, you may tell me my brain is lying to me.

I want tho thank everyone that reads this, and everyone who has reached out. I really appreciate it. I am thankful for you.

I've been missing my friend Stephen a lot, lately. He was always there. I honestly knew to my core that he loved me, and believed me to be exceptional. He was always there with a hug. And he's gone. And I need him. When he told me he was dying, I hit him. I raged at him. The only promise he ever broke was not to die like his mother. Who drank herself to death. He drank himself to death. Leaving kids. Just like his mom. He used to do the farm report for the ag department every morning. He did it the day he died. He told me he was going to die and I screamed at him and hit him. He made me promise, when we were young, not to ever get my septum pierced, because that's what they do to hogs that  acted up and wouldn't stop rooting. Bad pigs. He promised me he wouldn't drink himself to death. Maybe I'll go get my septum pierced. Spite piercing. I'm still mad at him. I miss him everyday.

I'm not getting better. It's not getting easier. I feel crushed anew, every day, and there's nothing I can do. The one I love doesn't love me. I can't make him love me. I can't make him come back. I can't make him miss me. I can't make him want to try. I can't make him choose me. I can't make him talk to me. All I can do is miss. A hundred times a day. He would be my friend. But I can't right now. All i see is how I'm not enough. After a year and a half, he chose not me. He chooses not me every day. I've never felt like this. I've been in love. I've had break ups. I've never missed someone so much. Not even Stephen, It's not his fault he doesn't love me. But. He always told me we had time when I asked. And he took that away from me. I beleieved him. Not Stephen. James. I love him. 

I don't want things that aren't freely given. I don't want things out of obligation or guilt. I have always aspired to love so that my love makes others feel free, not like they are trapped. I wish I could say that I hope he's happy with someone else. I can't right now. He told me he was going to be single for a while. But he told me we had time. And that we were fine. And that he wasn't giving up on me. And yet. I can't be angry. I just...miss. And I hate that I'm so easy to walk away from, so easy to shut out, so easy to not choose. I'm ashamed for how I'm handling this. Ashamed and embarrassed. I worry I'm acting crazy. Therapist says if I'm worried about it, I'm not acting crazy. I love words, but I can't make them say what I actually feel. 

I feel like, more than ever before, I've ripped my beating heart out of my chest, been open, and honest, and vulnerable, and asked questions. And i'm not enough. My heart was weighed against the feather. I don't understand. 

I'm tired of crying. I cry all of the time. 

I see pictures of people I love, seeing each other, carefully. And no one wants to see me.

I need a hug. I need several hugs. I need support. I wish I didn't. 

I still want James. I still choose him. Every day. Unconsciously, then consciously, and I can't do anything. I can't do anything. I can't make myself lovable. I can't make myself worth being chosen. 

I can't listen to music. It hurts. I fucking lost it hearing Don't Dream It's Over by Crowded House on the radio the other day, one of my favorite songs. Because it's over. And there's nothing I can do. Turns out, I didn't have time. We didn't have time.

And every time I do this, I probably push him farther away. But I don't know how to say the things I need to say. And it doesn't matter anyway. I can't do anything. I'm not the right thing. He is for me. But I can't be.

Because something is wrong with me. Insert Wrong by Depeche Mode here. It would make me cry.

I've been off of social media, because it hurts. The fear of it hurts.

On a completely random note, I love giant stuffed animals. I have finally acquired one to big to snuggle with while sleeping. 

I am adding a song here. It's where my name came from.

In case you haven't heard it.

And Aubrey was her name,
A not so very ordinary girl or name
But who's to blame?
For a love that wouldn't bloom
For the hearts that never played in tune
Like a lovely melody that everyone can sing,
Take away the words that rhyme it doesn't mean a thing

And Aubrey was her name
We tripped the light and danced together to the moon,
But where was June
No it never came around
If it did it never made a sound,
Maybe I was absent or was listening to fast,
Catching all the words, but then the meaning going past,

But God I miss the girl,
And I'd go a thousand times around the world just to be
Closer to her than to me

And Aubrey was her name,
I never knew her, but I loved her just the same,
I loved her name
Wish that I had found the way
And the reasons that would make her stay
I have learned to lead a life apart from all the rest
If I can't have the one I want, I'll do without the best

But how I miss the girl
And I'd go a million times around the world just to say
She had been mine for a day

So here we are

 It's been a month since the text message that ended my relationship. A week longer than that since I've seen him. I've talked to him on the phone once, trying to act normal. I'm not. I'm not okay. This is going to be a ramble.

When someone commits suicide, people always say, I wish I had known they were hurting so much. I wish they had reached out. I was here, why didn't they reach out? I can tell you why. I feel like everyone is sick of me, and that it wouldn't matter if I was gone. At all. You want to know? I'm suicidal. I'm under medical supervision. I'm in therapy. What am I supposed to do, message people I haven't spoken to in months and say hey, how are you, it's been a while, oh, by the way, I want everything to stop. I want the pain to stop. No, it's not about a boy. It's me. I'm defective and I hurt and I find comfort in nothing and there's a pandemic, so the things I have found comforting in the pat aren't possible. Here, let me dump unwelcome emotional labor on you. You who is probably also suffering. Reasons I haven't: I don't want anyone to have to find me, I fuck everything up, Mom would be crushed. I spend a lot of effort trying to keep Mom okay. My dog. My cats and the other dog would be fine, but Ziggy wouldn't. My brain keeps saying that no one cares.  

I've had my heart broken. Not like this. I knew Edward would break my heart from the day we met. I didn't think it would be as bad as it was. But I always knew. This time, this time I felt safe for the first time ever. I spent the first month safe in the knowledge that it was my anxiety. I went through something traumatic, I did't handle it well, and it drove him away. Now I know he just didn't love me like I love him. He loves me. Like a friend. So, I guess I was a friend with benefits that thought I was in a relationship that was different. Even though I've always been open about how I feel. Good enough to sleep with, not lovable. I understand. I can't make someone love me in that way. A year and a half is enough time to know. I guess it was okay, until there was someone else.

I feel like broken glass inside. Like no one will ever choose me. Be cause I'm so fucking broken that the best man I've ever known can't love  me. Not just him. It keeps happening. Edward cheated on me repeatedly, in a poly relationship. Promised me a lot of things. And chose someone else. This one didn't realize how anxious I made him until he started hanging out with someone who didn't. I always felt he was ashamed of me. I'm not a pretty girl. I'm never going to be a pretty girl. In a year and a half, I met one of his friends that I didn't already know. I'm still not using his name, because I still feel that he wasn't proud.  We have a lot of mutual friends that I think don't know we weere together. Still not a single picture of us, that isn't from far away or behind. I assumed it was because I'm not pretty. I guess he maybe never wanted those memories because I wasn't what I believed I was. This isn't like any heart break I've ever survived, this is like drowning. I feel like nothing will ever be okay. Because I'm just horrible and undeserving of love and I just hurt people and make them uncomfortable. Sometimes I wish I knew if I had made people happy, or made a difference. Or if anyone would even know if I was gone. This is a level of hurt that is indescribable and unfathomable and I've been battling depression for 30 years. I've never just wanted it to all stop so consistently, and for so long. I'm easy to forget. Easy to walk away from. easy to ignore. I'm alone. I drive people away and don't add anything positive to anyone's life. And I'm completely in love with someone who doesn't love me. Not like I love him. It's not a crush. I spent a year and a half building this love. Tending to it. For nothing. In vain. Like I've never loved anyone before. Like my friend said, one of the two who have borne the brunt of my anguish, because She understands, I feel like I love him with a completely different body part than I've ever loved anyone. More fully. More unreservedly. The best man I know. I understand, though. Why he doesn't love me. I'm unlovable. And broken. I wish I though time could change it. I wish I could see a light. But I will always be me, and I'm broken. And walking a tight rope. People who say they are suicidal are often put down, said that they are melodramatic, and seeking attention. I mean, I'd love to know that someone cares. I cry all the time. Ugly crying, snotty sobbing. I have no where to go for comfort, because I drive people away.

I know he's not perfect. I have moments of anger. There were things I was unsatisfied with, wanted more, but I though I had time. Every time I asked, we were fine. And it tore my heart out to ask. I'm not good at asking for things. Maybe he didn't realize he didn't love me like that, until her. I don't know. 

I have a job, doing something I love. Another reason I guess I'm hanging on fight now. It gives me something to do, to distract me for a few minutes at a time from the hurt. This doesn't even express how I feel very well. I'm getting a new tattoo. The appointment is a bit out, for reasons.

I don't know how to make the pain stop. I just want it to stop.

I walked out of his house on October 6, like normal. Ish. I knew something was wrong. But i didn't think I'd never see him again. I have no closure. I know what I need for it. I need him, oddly. Trust me, I really fucking understand that we won't be together romantically. Ever. But I want him to hold me while I cry. I need physical contact, so that the last time we touched wasn't the last time. But I make him uncomfortable. And I suppose he's moved on. But I got a message and couldn't look into his face. I'm really weird about people touching me. But never him. He made me feel safe. Ironic, I know. I'm shredded and shatttered and I don't even sparkle like broken glass. I'm raw and broken and screaming, and me? I want him. We were friends once. Apparently, that's all we've ever been, I just didn't know. I couldn't have done anything different, because I'm just, me. And that's not good enough at anything and for anybody. I'm so sorry if I ever hurt you, or caused you pain. If you are reading this, you either care about me or are reveling in my downfall.

I want to believe that I'm worthy of love. That I deserve it. I don't want platitudes. I don't want to hear that I'll find someone else. I'm still in love. I want him to be happy, because I love him. I know someday he'll have a beautiful life, I know he'll be the sun in someone else's sky, but why, why can;t it be mine? Yes, I had a Pearl Jam moment. I think he's probably already got a beautiful life, might even be a sun already in someone else's sky. 

I know I talked about him a lot, but trust me, I understand that it's not him, it's me.

And now you know. I think about suicide, about just not being, a lot. I know it's the season, but I don't think I've had any George Bailey effects on anyone's life. I wish I just, never was. 

I'm hanging on. Therapist says I should reach out. This is the best I can do.

I wasn't originally going to put a song here, but...

I grasp at lifes fading light
I need you tonight
I need to be heard
Your acts speak louder than words
Ignored by you all
I stumble and fall
I suddenly knew
My life meant nothing at all
In shreds
I stare down at the street
Yearning for sleep
That blissful escape
But when it comes it's always too late
The whore in my bed
The noise in my head
A hole in my pride
It's coming and there's nowhere to hide
It seems to me
To be so contradictory
It seems to me
You count your blessings while they're there
Ignored by you all
I stumble and fall
I suddenly knew
My life meant nothing at all
The whore in my bed
The noise in my head
A hole in my pride
It's coming and there's nowhere to hide
It seems to me
To be so contradictory
It seems to me
You count your blessings while they're there
You count your blessings while they're there
You count your blessings while they're there
It seems to me
To be so contradictory
It seems to me
You've become a part of the machinery
You've become a part of the machinery
Machinery
Machinery

In Shreds- The Chameleons