Aces Redundant

 

I did a card pull today, from the Cartomancer Cards poker deck and the Tarot Del Toro. These are essentially the same card. A fire card, the epitome of fire, being an ace. In traditional cartomancy, the ace of clubs can be either wealth and gain or a marriage, or binding contract. The ace of wands is the element of fire in transition, things have to burn to regrow. Or inspired consciousness and the desire to grow, to begin. Planting new seeds. New beginnings, creativity, initiative, balancing, energy.  Take from that what you will.

I'm an intuitive reader. I know the technicalities, but sometimes they don't feel right. For a person, or situation. These were for me, though anyone can take anything from them, if they feel right. Pretty sure there's no marriage here. So, creative endeavours it is. I will be writing more little fictions here, and posting more card pulls and music stuff, as well as the personal bits. 

As for personal bits, someone drove 6 hours to have dinner with me. That was nice, and appreciated. I got a super awesome new coffee maker for Christmas. I love it. And my sharky gifts. My birthday is soon. Like, a week from tomorrow.

He was my ace of fire, so I'm not sure what this means. He is a fire sign, tripled. I miss him, of course. But maybe I was a fool the whole time. I never got to see him on a holiday, except for last new year's eve, which we were alone, in bed for. I never got to be tagged anywhere with him. I never got a post on insta with two beer glasses and a meal shared. I've said before I felt hidden, like a secret shame, almost. I didn't meet his other friends, so i couldn't interact with them on social media. I was just, nothing. I guess now he can do these things. She's pretty and fit and apparently shareable. I've left contact up to him, and there has been none. I haven't even looked at all of the del Toro deck, because I relate looking at new cards with him. I have, in fact, looked at that one above. I feel forgotten and disposable. Like I was never anything special. I'm certainly easy to move on from, and that hurts. I guess he doesn't want to be my friend anymore. I guess I can't blame him. I'm working on wishing him happiness with her. I'm really trying. He has it, whether or not I wish it.

I just wish I could understand. Or feel anymore like I was worth anyone's love. If someone you've been friends with for so long can't love you, who can? Maybe he just wants me to shut the fuck up about him. I don't know. My truth is this, I still say good morning every morning, which means more. I still want to send him things. I still miss him sending me silly shit, because it meant he thought about me. Maybe I was always a fool. It's hard, not reaching out to him. Really hard. This is worse than losing a friend to death. Most of the friends I've had that died did not do so willingly. This has been a complete rejection. Complete. Maybe he needs time. Like I said, I don't know. Such pretty words about rebuilding trust and friendship, oh, while he's dating someone else. Knowing what I want, I was supposed to be okay with this. Maybe I can't even get that anymore. My trust was broken. My heart was broken. But I'm supposed to be okay with everything.

The silence again feels cruel and dismissive. Maybe it's supposed to.

I don't know.

I really don't know.

Little conversations

 I know, I know, I can be inconsistent. The thing is, I know all of the reasons that I'm unlovable. I'm awkward and weird. I can be contradictory. 

I've spent today working on some things to occupy my mind. There's a few things I want to say to the one that I lost, but I can't. Or won't. Or whatever. I have a project that was going to be a gift, that I've put about 100 hours of work in. I just look at it and cry. I put it away. I'll never finish it. It was very specifically for him. It basically is him. I've been working n it for months, between other things. I wish I had one more night. Not to try to undo the undoing. Just for closure. A few things I wish I'd experienced. I would give almost anything. Just a little comfort. 

The two songs I've always most identified with in life are Alice by Sisters of Mercy and Pretty in Pink by The Psychedelic Furs. I'll put the lyrics at the end of this post. If I don't, you can always google them. Maybe I'll make another post.

I need adventure. I need friends. I need a fucking hug. I'm going to try to start writing more again. I used to make up stories about my favorite photographs that I've taken. Maybe I'll start posting those here. 

I'm researching the best ways to sell things online, Etsy and other options. I have no idea what I'm doing, and Etsy takes a lot of fees.

A relationship is choices. Every morning, every day, you choose someone. You can be attracted to other people, it's only human, but you choose how far to let that go. When put to that choice, historically I come up short. I think about him so many times a day, something I want him to see, something I want to share with him. A thought, a meme, a spicy doughnut. He's my first thought in the morning, still. I know it's been less than a week. I want to scream. But, I understand. That's the thing. I understand. I hate it, but I do. I drive people away. I inspire no loyalty, I'm not worth that choice. I've known it for a long time. I know that I'm overwhelmingly sad. I'll be okay.

A few months ago, I asked him for help with something that was too much. I knew it was too much. He never came back to where I live after that. I got it taken care of a while back, but I couldn't say anything, because I knew I had asked too much, but I also couldn't seem like I was upset at nothing happening. I wasn't. It was too much.

I still want to fight. But, choices. I have to respect that, right? 

Just crying into a void.

I'm aware it makes people uncomfortable. Imagine what it's like to live it.

I'm not looking for sympathy. I certainly don't want pity.

I'm looking for a non customer service job. I'm working on things.

I've changed my mind. You get a different song for this one. From the most influential album of my life.

Little Conversation-Concrete Blonde

The little conversation
Is over very soon
And I watch in admiration
From my corner of the room.
They shine on you with starry eyes
They rain a friendly storm.
Like kids around a Christmas tree
And then you smile all nice and warm

The little conversations
If I tried my very best
You know I never could say anything
In twenty words or less.
Somewhere, sometime, down the line
Someday I may confess,
And spill it all. that's all

The little conversations
On me are very rough
They leave me all in pieces
You know there's never time enough
Like a book with missing pages
Like a story incomplete
Like a painting left unfinished
It feels like not enough to eat.
Starvin'

These little conversations
Well for me they'll never do
Now what am I supposed to do with
Broken sentences of you?
I'll stay in my corner 'cause
That's all that I can do
And let the others speak for me.
Little conversations
Are we.

https://youtu.be/9E8sA_g0BcY