A Recollection: Concrete Blonde, Johnette Napolitano, and a Crush

 Concrete Blonde is my favorite band. Of all time. Johnette Napolitano could be my entire aesthetic. I first heard them when I was fifteen, the song God is a Bullet was used on the TV show 21 Jump Street. That show also introduced me to Suicidal Tendencies. They used to show the album covers of the songs used in each episode at the end, which was awesome in the age well before Soundhound or Shazam. Or readily available cell phones, we are talking 1989 here. I asked for the cassette for my birthday, and I've been hooked ever since. I don't know if I have a favorite Concrete Blonde song, but I Don't Need a Hero and Scene of a Perfect Crime are way up there. I don't even have a favorite album, but Free was my first and has a special place in my heart. I really love Group Therapy as well, but there is apparently a copyright issue with that one, as you can't find any of the songs online. I've looked for True Pt. III many times. Every mood and feeling I have seems to have a Concrete Blonde song that corresponds. Johnette speaks to my soul. I don't have idols, but she is amazing. I love her voice, her words, her art. She is one of the most beautiful women that has ever existed, to me . If I could look like anyone on the planet, it would be Johnette Napolitano, Tamara Taylor, or Monica Belluci. I have no words for what the band and the music and the words have added to my life. If you aren't familiar with them, other that the goth night song and the radio song, there are s couple of good compilations that span the bands discography, to a point. Johnette alson has amazing solo material.

Many years ago, we had goth night twice a week here, at a gay bar. I was there nearly every goth night. (This is all related, stick with me.) It was generally well attended, and I love to dance. So, there was a guy that used to come out semi regularly, that I had this giant crush on. He had a Christian Bale smile, and always looked slightly sad. I have loved Christian Bale since I was 13, it predates even the Concrete Blonde love. This guy was about my height, maybe not quite. He was frequently wearing khakis and a hawaiian shirt. To goth night. I used to just stare at his face. A lot. Way too much. I was married, and it was the last couple of years of my marriage, and everything sucked and nothing was ever okay. My self esteem was at it's worst, though I've been told recently that I carried myself like a queen, even then. I was so unhappy. I just wanted to dance. I didn't talk to that many people, though I had a few close friends. I sat in the dark by the dance floor, waiting for what I wanted to dance to. I didn't even really drink back then. The bartender was, and still is, one of my best friends, and I'd hang out at the bar to drink water and talk to him, and stare at this guy. Like, I couldn't stop. Yes, I know his name, Darrell (the bartender) told me. This would be around 2003-2004. I never spoke to the man I stared out for hours over time. I've never had a conversation with him. I don't think anyone knew my crush even was. I was married, and even unhappy, I'm not built that way. No matter how fucking beautiful he was to me, I never even said hi. Okay, I spoke to him exactly once. I was at a bachelorette party at a heavy metal dive bar. It was super loud, and the fourth, or so, bar we had been at. I was sitting at the bar, leaning over to talk to my friend beside me, because it was super loud, and the bartender touched my hand to get my attention, to see if I wanted anything. I looked, and guess who tended bar ath the heavy metal dive bar? Yep. And he touched me. And I fell off of my barstool. I am not a cool or graceful creature. He came around to make sure I was okay, and to help me up. I think I only smiled, and when he got back to his side of the bar, he asked if I wanted a drink, on him, so I ordered a vodka and diet coke. That is the extent of our interaction. Two years of staring. I can still picture his Christian Bale smile and sad eyes. I know nothing about him except his first name, and I think he dated a friend of a friend for a while. He stopped coming out. I got seperated in 2005. The world moved on.

In late 2006 I started dating someone, and we moved in together. He knew my love of Concrete Blonde, and Johnette was doing a solo tour in small bars. He got me tickets. It was probably 2007 by this point. So we went to Local 506, a tiny bar, to see Johnette with just a guy with an acoustic guitar on a stage that's about 8 inches off of the ground. She was wearing a burgundy velvet dress and drinking wine from a bottle. I can clearly remeber her singing Amazing and Scarred, with her eyes shut. Both very moving songs. There were maybe 25 people there. I t was the closest I'd been to her, and I was entranced. The first time I saw Concrete Blonde, they opened for Sting, then I'd seen them at medium sized places, but this, this was almost too much, too close, too overwhelming, too personal. I rarely seek to meet those whose art I love. I don't think that I have anything to say that they haven't heard. I'm not going to make a difference to any of their lives. This is one reason that I'm good at the thing I do for conventions. Famous people are just people. I'm just one of hundreds ot thousands of people they might meet. I'm a background human. I don't do autographs or pictures, usually, I don't feel a need to prove that I've been in proximity to people. I'm not knocking it, it's just not my thing. I've never spoken to Johnette. I have left a comment on her tarot reading blog that she responded to, but that's it. So, there I was. With the man I lived with. Having some sortof near religious experience, actual tears in my eyes, staring at her from about 5 feet away. I look around, and to my right, close enough to touch, is the guy with the Christian Bale smile. Staring at her, every bit as in awe as I was. While my significant other was semi bored on my other side. when I'm with someone, I'm with them. I'm not killing time. I'm not trying to find someone more interested. I'm true and I'm loyal and I lways have been. I always will be. I split the rest of the night looking from one to the other. Johnette, Jay, Johnette, Jay. Yes, his name was Jay. I think. It was one of the best shows of my life. I haven't seen him since.

 This Monday morning on my way to work, I was listening to Concrete Blonde on my way to work, as I do. I was listening to Happy Birthday, because it was my birthday, and that memory popped into my head, so clear. Seeing him at her solos show, with so few people around. Watching him watch her. Then I remebered falling off of the bar stool, and the hawaiian shirts. I remembered Jay.

No, I'm not wondering what would have been different if I had talked to him. I was partnered. I do find people attractive, of course, but I'm not built in a way that allows me to be disrespectful to those I love. Or questionable, even, usually. Not saying it's good or otherwise, it's just me. 

That's my story.

I realize that I haven't made anything since before. Before the thing. Literally, I was looking at instagram, and the day before, I posted something I was so proud of. I had spent The day sending him pics of new stuff I had made. Then I just, stopped. Cold.

This weekend, I'm making art.

What;s your favorite Concrete Blonde song? Leave me a comment!