Little conversations

 I know, I know, I can be inconsistent. The thing is, I know all of the reasons that I'm unlovable. I'm awkward and weird. I can be contradictory. 

I've spent today working on some things to occupy my mind. There's a few things I want to say to the one that I lost, but I can't. Or won't. Or whatever. I have a project that was going to be a gift, that I've put about 100 hours of work in. I just look at it and cry. I put it away. I'll never finish it. It was very specifically for him. It basically is him. I've been working n it for months, between other things. I wish I had one more night. Not to try to undo the undoing. Just for closure. A few things I wish I'd experienced. I would give almost anything. Just a little comfort. 

The two songs I've always most identified with in life are Alice by Sisters of Mercy and Pretty in Pink by The Psychedelic Furs. I'll put the lyrics at the end of this post. If I don't, you can always google them. Maybe I'll make another post.

I need adventure. I need friends. I need a fucking hug. I'm going to try to start writing more again. I used to make up stories about my favorite photographs that I've taken. Maybe I'll start posting those here. 

I'm researching the best ways to sell things online, Etsy and other options. I have no idea what I'm doing, and Etsy takes a lot of fees.

A relationship is choices. Every morning, every day, you choose someone. You can be attracted to other people, it's only human, but you choose how far to let that go. When put to that choice, historically I come up short. I think about him so many times a day, something I want him to see, something I want to share with him. A thought, a meme, a spicy doughnut. He's my first thought in the morning, still. I know it's been less than a week. I want to scream. But, I understand. That's the thing. I understand. I hate it, but I do. I drive people away. I inspire no loyalty, I'm not worth that choice. I've known it for a long time. I know that I'm overwhelmingly sad. I'll be okay.

A few months ago, I asked him for help with something that was too much. I knew it was too much. He never came back to where I live after that. I got it taken care of a while back, but I couldn't say anything, because I knew I had asked too much, but I also couldn't seem like I was upset at nothing happening. I wasn't. It was too much.

I still want to fight. But, choices. I have to respect that, right? 

Just crying into a void.

I'm aware it makes people uncomfortable. Imagine what it's like to live it.

I'm not looking for sympathy. I certainly don't want pity.

I'm looking for a non customer service job. I'm working on things.

I've changed my mind. You get a different song for this one. From the most influential album of my life.

Little Conversation-Concrete Blonde

The little conversation
Is over very soon
And I watch in admiration
From my corner of the room.
They shine on you with starry eyes
They rain a friendly storm.
Like kids around a Christmas tree
And then you smile all nice and warm

The little conversations
If I tried my very best
You know I never could say anything
In twenty words or less.
Somewhere, sometime, down the line
Someday I may confess,
And spill it all. that's all

The little conversations
On me are very rough
They leave me all in pieces
You know there's never time enough
Like a book with missing pages
Like a story incomplete
Like a painting left unfinished
It feels like not enough to eat.
Starvin'

These little conversations
Well for me they'll never do
Now what am I supposed to do with
Broken sentences of you?
I'll stay in my corner 'cause
That's all that I can do
And let the others speak for me.
Little conversations
Are we.

https://youtu.be/9E8sA_g0BcY

Torchwood Day 2019

This day, each year, is an important day for me. Not Father's Day, though I do usually do something for my Mom, since she is a single parent, and always has been, but June 16. I call June 16 my Torchwood day, or at least I have since 2006 or so. If you haven't watched Torchwood, you should probably go do that, instead of reading this. Or not. The intro to Torchwood says the 21st century is when everything changes. Many life changing things have happened to me on, or very near, June 16, so I use it as a day, each year, to reflect on things in my life, and think about changes that need to be made. On June 16, historically, I have lost a friend, had a friend buried, lost another friend (in a different year.) I finally knew that I had to end a relationship, though it took me a few months of planning to leave. I have seen The Cure, not knowing it was the last night of an almost three year relationship, and that I would be quite single in the morning. Nine years ago, I was in an ill advised relationship, and Concrete Blonde was touring, but not coming here, so I decided to take myself on a trip for a few days. I could choose DC or Atlanta. I chose Atlanta. On June 16, 2010, I decided that I was going to move to Atlanta. I also met the man I thought would be my forever human. To this day, he'll tell you that because I decided to move there the day that I met him there, that I moved to be close to him. I decided to move while talking to Sydney on the phone, standing in front of my hotel, waiting for a cab to take me to The Vortex to meet a friend for dinner. The man who would end up shattering me more of me than I ever thought possible was meeting the same friend. Which is how I ended up in the foyer of The Vortex with some strange man staring into my face and forgetting to let go of my hand after being introduced to me, for an oddly long time. It was an amazing show. It was a really great trip, the first time I had just gone somewhere by myself. I saw the whale sharks for the first time. I was hooked. This is the correct timeline, no matter what he'll try to tell you. There were other reasons to move there.

 There are other things that have happened on Torchwood day. It just seems to be a day of change, for me. Not always negative.

If I had gone to DC, what would have been different? Would I have decided to move there? Would I have come back, and just, stayed? I know so many truly amazing people from my time in Atlanta. So many people I can't imagine my life without, now. I got more involved in conventions, though I had been to both of the ones I return to Atlanta for before. Multiple times, even. But I have the convention family that I have now, because of that decision.

So, today I ponder.

Gramma is still dead, and will remain so. I've been feeling lately like I am nothing but a burden. To everyone. So, I've been hiding. It's not uncommon for me to not leave the house, or put on pants, or talk to another person for two or three consecutive days.

To be honest, I am making positive changes. I start working tomorrow, at a job I will actually get paid for. I'm a little terrified, but it will be fine.  I'll be putting on pants and interacting with people, anyway.

That shattered heart and life are healing in ways I also never thought possible. I'm going to be okay.
It turns out, I can fathom, imagine, and manifest whole worlds without the pain he left behind.

It's a full moon. I love the moon. While I have many witchy ways, I follow astrology only haphazardly. It's just not my thing. I follow the phases of the moon, but not really horoscopes. I do know that this full moon is in Sagittarius, and that it signifies (for those who follow) celebration, philosophizing, owning your passions, seeking a sense of purpose, standing up for justice, and wild adventure. Excellent. I do these things most of the time. So, I will carry on. Well, I'm lacking in adventure, but there is adventure potential. There is someone that I spend time with that feels like adventure to me, even when still, even sitting on my couch. They feel like the joy of looking at the full moon, like a strong breeze under the stars, like sitting on a bank with my feet in a swift, cold mountain stream. Which are all on my list of very favorite things. It being Torchwood day, I feel I should be brave enough to pose a few questions that I wonder about. To say things that I stumble over not saying. But I most likely will not. It's Schrodinger's fear, I am both afarid and completely unafraid of the answers, while the questions are safely in the box. When the box is opened, though... perhaps there's another, smaller box inside.

Go look at the moon tonight. Here, it will rise at 7:59 pm and set at 5:25 am. I do love astronomy. It will be at it's fullest at 1:30 am. I think. The moon is beautiful, no matter what you believe.

I leave you with this, a video from the actual Concrete Blonde show on June 16, 2010. Actually from very close to where I was standing the whole night, though I did not take it. I was to busy crying at this point, no matter that I'd seen it live before, and I've seen it since.