And Aubrey Was Her Name

 I'm sorry. I'm sorry all of the time. I know that my apologizing is tedious. A post of the same shows that I know that I'm tedious. I know, you may tell me my brain is lying to me.

I want tho thank everyone that reads this, and everyone who has reached out. I really appreciate it. I am thankful for you.

I've been missing my friend Stephen a lot, lately. He was always there. I honestly knew to my core that he loved me, and believed me to be exceptional. He was always there with a hug. And he's gone. And I need him. When he told me he was dying, I hit him. I raged at him. The only promise he ever broke was not to die like his mother. Who drank herself to death. He drank himself to death. Leaving kids. Just like his mom. He used to do the farm report for the ag department every morning. He did it the day he died. He told me he was going to die and I screamed at him and hit him. He made me promise, when we were young, not to ever get my septum pierced, because that's what they do to hogs that  acted up and wouldn't stop rooting. Bad pigs. He promised me he wouldn't drink himself to death. Maybe I'll go get my septum pierced. Spite piercing. I'm still mad at him. I miss him everyday.

I'm not getting better. It's not getting easier. I feel crushed anew, every day, and there's nothing I can do. The one I love doesn't love me. I can't make him love me. I can't make him come back. I can't make him miss me. I can't make him want to try. I can't make him choose me. I can't make him talk to me. All I can do is miss. A hundred times a day. He would be my friend. But I can't right now. All i see is how I'm not enough. After a year and a half, he chose not me. He chooses not me every day. I've never felt like this. I've been in love. I've had break ups. I've never missed someone so much. Not even Stephen, It's not his fault he doesn't love me. But. He always told me we had time when I asked. And he took that away from me. I beleieved him. Not Stephen. James. I love him. 

I don't want things that aren't freely given. I don't want things out of obligation or guilt. I have always aspired to love so that my love makes others feel free, not like they are trapped. I wish I could say that I hope he's happy with someone else. I can't right now. He told me he was going to be single for a while. But he told me we had time. And that we were fine. And that he wasn't giving up on me. And yet. I can't be angry. I just...miss. And I hate that I'm so easy to walk away from, so easy to shut out, so easy to not choose. I'm ashamed for how I'm handling this. Ashamed and embarrassed. I worry I'm acting crazy. Therapist says if I'm worried about it, I'm not acting crazy. I love words, but I can't make them say what I actually feel. 

I feel like, more than ever before, I've ripped my beating heart out of my chest, been open, and honest, and vulnerable, and asked questions. And i'm not enough. My heart was weighed against the feather. I don't understand. 

I'm tired of crying. I cry all of the time. 

I see pictures of people I love, seeing each other, carefully. And no one wants to see me.

I need a hug. I need several hugs. I need support. I wish I didn't. 

I still want James. I still choose him. Every day. Unconsciously, then consciously, and I can't do anything. I can't do anything. I can't make myself lovable. I can't make myself worth being chosen. 

I can't listen to music. It hurts. I fucking lost it hearing Don't Dream It's Over by Crowded House on the radio the other day, one of my favorite songs. Because it's over. And there's nothing I can do. Turns out, I didn't have time. We didn't have time.

And every time I do this, I probably push him farther away. But I don't know how to say the things I need to say. And it doesn't matter anyway. I can't do anything. I'm not the right thing. He is for me. But I can't be.

Because something is wrong with me. Insert Wrong by Depeche Mode here. It would make me cry.

I've been off of social media, because it hurts. The fear of it hurts.

On a completely random note, I love giant stuffed animals. I have finally acquired one to big to snuggle with while sleeping. 

I am adding a song here. It's where my name came from.

In case you haven't heard it.

And Aubrey was her name,
A not so very ordinary girl or name
But who's to blame?
For a love that wouldn't bloom
For the hearts that never played in tune
Like a lovely melody that everyone can sing,
Take away the words that rhyme it doesn't mean a thing

And Aubrey was her name
We tripped the light and danced together to the moon,
But where was June
No it never came around
If it did it never made a sound,
Maybe I was absent or was listening to fast,
Catching all the words, but then the meaning going past,

But God I miss the girl,
And I'd go a thousand times around the world just to be
Closer to her than to me

And Aubrey was her name,
I never knew her, but I loved her just the same,
I loved her name
Wish that I had found the way
And the reasons that would make her stay
I have learned to lead a life apart from all the rest
If I can't have the one I want, I'll do without the best

But how I miss the girl
And I'd go a million times around the world just to say
She had been mine for a day