Attraction is Weird

Attraction is weird, y’all. I’ve been thinking about this, a lot, lately. I am attracted to all kinds of people. There are things that immediately attract me too, or repel me from people. I can quantify a lot of things that I find physically attractive in people. Personality has a huge amount to do with how attracted I am to someone. There are things I can quantify that I find attractive in male identifying people and female identifying people, physical things. I think all of my friends are beautiful in very different ways. If you asked me who the most physically attractive of my male friends is, I could hands down tell you that it is a tie, no hesitation. Even though I know that others would have different answers. It makes perfect sense, in an evolutionary way, that people would be attracted to different things. But, from a purely physical standpoint, I have two very different male friends that are more handsome than any movie star that I’ve seen. It gets more complicated, for me, when considering women. The two women that I’ve ever met that I would consider purely the most physically perfect, I don’t find attractive. One isn’t interesting to me to converse with, and the other is a horrible person. I know that there are other things that come into play, chemically. The scent of some people drives me nuts. Pheromones, I guess.

Do you tell people that you find attractive that you think they are? Even if you aren’t trying to date them, or have sex with them? Do you let people know if you find them utterly compelling? Why, or why not? I sometimes have a tendency to.

Well, where the men are concerned, I told one of them that I used to drive 6 hours to watch him dance, twenty years ago or so. When I get really stressed out, or wound way too tight, I run. I get in the car, and I run. I come back. Most people never know that I was gone. I actually find it funny that in my life, right now, no one knows where I am, ever, in general. I live with my Grandmother, she has dementia. She has no clue if I am home or not. She’ll forget I’m home if I’m in the same room. I work for a private individual, I don’t work a set schedule. No one knows when I am there, except him. Only two people on my friends list have been where I live now, at least since my Grandaddy’s funeral day. There is no one that I talk to on a daily basis, really, that knows where I am when they talk to me, as I generally only text. Do you have any clue how long I would have to be missing before anyone noticed? Days. Days. Wow. Off the rails. So, twenty years ago, if I just couldn’t take being where I was, and needed a break, if it was a night that it was possible, I would drive my ass to Atlanta. Alone. To dance. And to watch this guy dance. I’ve never seen any guy dance like him. He moves like a well muscled panther in a kilt and boots. I could watch him for hours. I have watched him for hours. When I moved to Atlanta, we ended up hanging out in the same places. I actually did tell him that I used to drive to watch him dance, and drive back before work the next day. As I was saying it, I thought, well, this could be taken as kind of creepy, I guess. Luckily, he didn’t find it so, he gave me a great big hug, and said it was the nicest thing anyone had told him, in a while. Turns out, he’s even more attractive than the near physical perfection, once you get to know him. He’s smart, and thoughtful, and nice, and always trying to grow, and understand new things. He’s pretty much perfect. Now, all of that being said, I have never flirted or anything like that with him. Out of my league, doesn’t even cut it. We aren’t even playing a similar sport. In a nearby arena. He has a partner that is stunning. I am not a pretty girl, y’all. I’m oddly shaped, and hella awkward. I will say, though, that the show I went to in Atlanta last year, the show that caused the great and horrible smashing and destruction of my life and future, he is the only person I spoke to, other than the ex that I was physically with, because I knew he would hug me, genuinely, and for a moment it would be okay. Also, he’s always taller in real life than I remember.

The other male that I find physically near perfection, I can look at the two of them in my mind. Do they look similar? Nope. They have similar builds, I guess. The kind you get from working real hard on it. They are different ages. Different coloring. I have spent a lot more time talking to the second one. I know him better, as a person, and he has never become less attractive, which is pretty amazing. I met him in a place that I am comfortable in, so he was easy to get to know. I’ve known him since I moved back to NC, I suppose. He lets me touch his arms, and he can always tell if I am feeling low, and goes out of his way to make sure that I’m okay. I'm pretty sure he knows that he's beautiful, as I know that he can be really insecure. We build each other up, he gets really upset if I say anything about not being a pretty girl. He's an excellent friend. He has a partner that I am quite fond of.

As for women, for me, it’s not nearly so cut and dried. I know a lot of burlesque performers, in Atlanta, and in NC. Most of them have a confidence when they perform that is intoxicating. Women tend to display their passions more, which is always intriguing. Watching someone’s face light up when they talk about something they are passionate about is one of my favorite things. Get excited when you talk. Playing it cool is only endearing to me if it fails in an adorable way.

Then, I wonder why I think about it. I never think anyone is attracted to me, so why do I spend so much time thinking about attraction? I know people who will say that I’m pretty, and that’s cool, that is what you are supposed to do for your friends, right? I went to art school, y’all. I understand the aesthetics of symmetry, and beauty, and I know my flaws perfectly well. I know how people react to me. Blah blah blah.

Ugh. This post got lost in the woods. I would say that I need to get out more, but that’s not quite true. I need other people that I like to show up at the places that I get out to.