Romantic relationships, and the lack there of

So. I’m single. I’m not looking. Do I want to be single? That, like most things, is complicated. I am, in general, poly. I respect all types of relationships. To me, it just seems unreasonable to expect to find one other human that fulfills every single need or desire in a relationship. I don’t think it’s fair to be expected to have to give up something important to you, just because someone meets most of your needs. I completely respect those who pursue and follow that thought. I can do completely committed, monogamous relationships. I can be a partner to someone who has a partner. I can be a friend, with benefits. I find none of these things insulting, or belittling. I do not need monogamy in a relationship, but I do need safety, and honesty.

I was married once. I never thought he would be my “forever.” I do not hate him, though I do hate some of the scars he left. I do not think that he’s a bad person, I do think that together, we are catastrophic, and bring out the worst in each other. I have seen him only peripherally since the final split. I stood up, in a marriage counselor’s office, and said “I’m done.” And I was. I hope he found happiness in whatever he pursued.

I lived with someone, after that. We both knew it was not forever. I can acknowledge, now, that my damage runs a lot deeper than I had previously thought, before that relationship. I was still highly insecure, and jealous, and possessive, and angry, because that is all I knew how to be in a relationship. It’s all I knew, at all.

I was never a partner in the relationship with my ex husband, I was a possession. From age fourteen to thirty one, off and on. Something to be controlled, and mitigated. I did date someone else in high school, but I don’t even know how to describe that relationship. It always felt ethereal, not quite tangible. We are still friends.

Since then, I have only been in poly relationships. I know that part of the reason for that, is that I am very withdrawn, I like my space. I like having a space that is mine, somewhere that I can retreat to. I am weird about being touched. I am still dealing with how to express my needs and wants, without feeling selfish. I rarely ask for anything.

I found the relationship that I thought would be forever. There was a level of companionship that I have never experienced before. A level of comfort, and support that I didn’t think possible. Someone I was comfortable planning a future with. Someone I was just, comfortable with. He was charming, and outgoing. We seemed to fit and contrast in all of the right ways, bringing out the best in each other. Was it perfect? Nope. But we could always talk through things. We used to take adventure days, just drive and look for places to take pictures, little hole in the wall places to eat, tiny towns and roadside attractions. These were my favorite days, ever. Even now (it really hasn’t been that long, I suppose) I miss those days, most of all. I get panic attacks if I think about it too much, because I can’t imagine another human wanting to spend time with me, like that, ever again. He says, even now, that we could do it again. Anytime. That relationship ending, and the way it ended, broke something inside of me that I thought could not be broken. It was horrible. It’s still horrible. He is still in one part of my life, because I am too stubborn to give up something that I worked so fucking hard for, even though I will always fear that people think I got the positions I hold by dating him. Maybe I’m still trying to prove them all wrong. His choices have left me completely bereft in a way that I was not prepared for, and the totality with which he turned his back on me is unforgiven. In a fucked up way, he made me believe that all of the things my ex husband said to me are true, but with actions, instead of words. That’s enough about that.

What would my perfect relationship look like? Radical honesty. Don’t tell me what I meant. I actually mean what I say, which is apparently shocking. Being poly does not mean never getting jealous. Jealousy is like the check engine light on your car’s dash. It is not what is wrong, just an indication that you need to look closer before something breaks worse. To me, anyway. I expect someone to be with me, when they are physically with me. I need those who will accept me as I am. Which doesn’t mean that I don’t want to be challenged. Don’t fall in love with someone else, and forget to mention it to me. Know the difference between love and infatuation. Don’t hide things from me because you think I’ll get hurt. That’s not how relationships work. You don’t hide your actions to keep your partner from getting hurt, you hide actions so that your own needs keep getting served, to hell with anyone that relies on you. Of course people make mistakes, and do things that they regret, or were misthought out. Hiding it, instead of confronting the issue, is what makes it a lie. And every day after is a lie.

See? I lost track. I’m still angry. This is why I’m single.