The Real Birthday Blues

 Having a birthday on January 4th has always been a bit of a bummer. The 10th day of Christmas, though I've never even seen ten lords a leaping. Three days after New Year's Day. Depending on how the days fall, frequently the day that winter breaks end. When I was a wee sprout, my mom made a big deal about it. I love celebrations, and special occasions, no matter how stoic and cynical some people find me. Because of 2020, and mental health/brain problem, and being broken hearted, this one is set to really blow chunks. Today, I'm having a bad anxiety day, but there will be a tiny cake and tacos at home. I'll try to remember to add pics later.

Hopefully, it won't be the worst birthday ever. I spent one of my birthdays in my 20s, when I was married, snowed in my house alone for three or four days. I hate snow. On my actual birthday, I nearly choked to death on soggy fruit loops. My tongue was pierced back then, and I somehow managed to get a fruit loops stuck on the bar on my tongue and in my throat. I literally lost consciousness for a moment, and fell, which dislodged the loops. I think it's kind of funny, now. 

I'm doing a class thing that gives you something to focus on/ write about each week for a year, both to write and know yourself better, this week is obstacles. What is my biggest obstacle? Me, clearly. I've gotten to where I am by a series of my own choices. With a litlle crazypants thrown in. My longest running obstacle? Still me. Self esteem, maybe. I've been trying to see myself like others see me. Which is hard, because of the break up thing. To some, I'm funny and smart and supportive and steady. I feel, like completely, not enough.

I am very empathetic. I believe you don't owe anyone your time, or your pain, or your effort. I believe you can't change how you feel, to an extent. You can choose to work to change. You can make an effort for things and people that are important. I believe in independence, and taking care of yourself first, though I don't always do that. I believe in honesty. I believe in doing what is right. I believe in finding joy and beauty all around. I believe in comfort and laughter. I believe in loving who you love. I believe you don't have to explain yourself or justify yourself to anyone. And I know, I'm trying not to go on and on about it, but...the breakup. All of those things apply to him, as well. But that really hurts, because I know that I fell so short, that he completely walked away. I felt like I was a bother, and making him respond to me when I messaged him. Making him think about me. Making him answer. So, I left it up to him. Oh. I see.

Generally if I say, oh, I see, my feelings are very hurt. 

Yep.

If I reply to a text or message with that, or just oh, it means I'm having that sinking, swallowed dry ice butterflies feeling in my belly. That's just a me thing. Partially because I almost always respond, just to show that I read the message. The more you know.

Throughout this saga, I've been reaching out more, which has been hard, because if the man you are in love with doesn't feel the same way, and you didn't know, how can you be sure who really likes you? What if everyone reassures me without meaning it? 

I know, I've said these things before. Telling me that I must not really know him, or that I'm worth so much more, or that the person I describe isn't the real person, or that he's bad in any way, or that I don't know him, really, isn't much helping. I do know him. I realize there's a repeat in there. Telling me that my adoration is possibly a symptom of the brain thing really doesn't help. I have doctors for that.

Last year, for my birthday, I got gothy dressed up and went to a nice dinner with him, at one of my favorite places. Then we went o goth night, one of my favorite things. I was so happy. It was the best birthday that I can remember. And we were out in public! I know how pathetic it sounds, you don't have to tell me. Telling me that I miss being in love doesn't help. I'm still in love. He just isn't. With me. He just, isn't. What I want or need from this situation is clearly unimportant right now. Maybe he's giving me time and space to heal. Maybe he feels bad about what happened. Maybe he hates me. Maybe he wants me to shut the fuck up.  Maybe he's just done.I don't have a clue.  He's not a villain. Yes, I still say good morning to him, out loud instead of by message. Yes, I save things to my phone that I would have sent to him. I dream about kissing him, being wrapped in his arms, but that is the bit I know he never wants again. I reread the message that states that clearly, if I'm having a hard time not messaging him. He could contact me at any time, in multiple ways. He doesn't owe me anything. He doesn't have to justify himself. I thought he would at least miss me as a friend. Maybe I bring too much drama or dread. It wasn't my intention. I still don't understand anything and he's not talking. He doesn't have to. He's making his own choices. Maybe, maybe, maybe. I don't even know if he knows my birthday is tomorrow. Pretty sure that it doesn't change anything. But he did give me one amazing one, last year. And he made me the best cookies ever 4 years ago for my birthday, when we were friends.

Gah. You're tired of hearing about it, I'm tired of feeling it, we're all tired here. I haven't been reaching out to talk about it. I think everyone is tired of it. I fell everyone is tired of me, no matter what pretty words they say.

Nothing is helping, really, except the medical shit. I am getting "better." I am healing, despite what it sounds like. As I said in an earlier post, I tend to repeat myself until I understand or come to grips with something. I know he's not coming back. I know there is nothing I can do or say to change that. It doesn't stop the missing, or the dreams of kisses. 

I keep getting Timekiller by Project Pitchfork stuck in my head. The perspective is wrong, but I don't want to be just a timekiller until something better comes along. Three in a row, yo. I haven't even dated that many people. That's like, half of my relationships. I don't want to be a timekiller anymore. 

I'm writing today, because tomorrw, my birthday, I'll be at work, and then a medical thing. Fun times, woohoo! This one is going to be sad and lonely. I'll survive.

Happy Aubrey's Birthday, y'all! 

Pic of my new tattoo again, because I love it. The story of it is in the post titled The Starless Sea.