A Recollection: Concrete Blonde, Johnette Napolitano, and a Crush

 Concrete Blonde is my favorite band. Of all time. Johnette Napolitano could be my entire aesthetic. I first heard them when I was fifteen, the song God is a Bullet was used on the TV show 21 Jump Street. That show also introduced me to Suicidal Tendencies. They used to show the album covers of the songs used in each episode at the end, which was awesome in the age well before Soundhound or Shazam. Or readily available cell phones, we are talking 1989 here. I asked for the cassette for my birthday, and I've been hooked ever since. I don't know if I have a favorite Concrete Blonde song, but I Don't Need a Hero and Scene of a Perfect Crime are way up there. I don't even have a favorite album, but Free was my first and has a special place in my heart. I really love Group Therapy as well, but there is apparently a copyright issue with that one, as you can't find any of the songs online. I've looked for True Pt. III many times. Every mood and feeling I have seems to have a Concrete Blonde song that corresponds. Johnette speaks to my soul. I don't have idols, but she is amazing. I love her voice, her words, her art. She is one of the most beautiful women that has ever existed, to me . If I could look like anyone on the planet, it would be Johnette Napolitano, Tamara Taylor, or Monica Belluci. I have no words for what the band and the music and the words have added to my life. If you aren't familiar with them, other that the goth night song and the radio song, there are s couple of good compilations that span the bands discography, to a point. Johnette alson has amazing solo material.

Many years ago, we had goth night twice a week here, at a gay bar. I was there nearly every goth night. (This is all related, stick with me.) It was generally well attended, and I love to dance. So, there was a guy that used to come out semi regularly, that I had this giant crush on. He had a Christian Bale smile, and always looked slightly sad. I have loved Christian Bale since I was 13, it predates even the Concrete Blonde love. This guy was about my height, maybe not quite. He was frequently wearing khakis and a hawaiian shirt. To goth night. I used to just stare at his face. A lot. Way too much. I was married, and it was the last couple of years of my marriage, and everything sucked and nothing was ever okay. My self esteem was at it's worst, though I've been told recently that I carried myself like a queen, even then. I was so unhappy. I just wanted to dance. I didn't talk to that many people, though I had a few close friends. I sat in the dark by the dance floor, waiting for what I wanted to dance to. I didn't even really drink back then. The bartender was, and still is, one of my best friends, and I'd hang out at the bar to drink water and talk to him, and stare at this guy. Like, I couldn't stop. Yes, I know his name, Darrell (the bartender) told me. This would be around 2003-2004. I never spoke to the man I stared out for hours over time. I've never had a conversation with him. I don't think anyone knew my crush even was. I was married, and even unhappy, I'm not built that way. No matter how fucking beautiful he was to me, I never even said hi. Okay, I spoke to him exactly once. I was at a bachelorette party at a heavy metal dive bar. It was super loud, and the fourth, or so, bar we had been at. I was sitting at the bar, leaning over to talk to my friend beside me, because it was super loud, and the bartender touched my hand to get my attention, to see if I wanted anything. I looked, and guess who tended bar ath the heavy metal dive bar? Yep. And he touched me. And I fell off of my barstool. I am not a cool or graceful creature. He came around to make sure I was okay, and to help me up. I think I only smiled, and when he got back to his side of the bar, he asked if I wanted a drink, on him, so I ordered a vodka and diet coke. That is the extent of our interaction. Two years of staring. I can still picture his Christian Bale smile and sad eyes. I know nothing about him except his first name, and I think he dated a friend of a friend for a while. He stopped coming out. I got seperated in 2005. The world moved on.

In late 2006 I started dating someone, and we moved in together. He knew my love of Concrete Blonde, and Johnette was doing a solo tour in small bars. He got me tickets. It was probably 2007 by this point. So we went to Local 506, a tiny bar, to see Johnette with just a guy with an acoustic guitar on a stage that's about 8 inches off of the ground. She was wearing a burgundy velvet dress and drinking wine from a bottle. I can clearly remeber her singing Amazing and Scarred, with her eyes shut. Both very moving songs. There were maybe 25 people there. I t was the closest I'd been to her, and I was entranced. The first time I saw Concrete Blonde, they opened for Sting, then I'd seen them at medium sized places, but this, this was almost too much, too close, too overwhelming, too personal. I rarely seek to meet those whose art I love. I don't think that I have anything to say that they haven't heard. I'm not going to make a difference to any of their lives. This is one reason that I'm good at the thing I do for conventions. Famous people are just people. I'm just one of hundreds ot thousands of people they might meet. I'm a background human. I don't do autographs or pictures, usually, I don't feel a need to prove that I've been in proximity to people. I'm not knocking it, it's just not my thing. I've never spoken to Johnette. I have left a comment on her tarot reading blog that she responded to, but that's it. So, there I was. With the man I lived with. Having some sortof near religious experience, actual tears in my eyes, staring at her from about 5 feet away. I look around, and to my right, close enough to touch, is the guy with the Christian Bale smile. Staring at her, every bit as in awe as I was. While my significant other was semi bored on my other side. when I'm with someone, I'm with them. I'm not killing time. I'm not trying to find someone more interested. I'm true and I'm loyal and I lways have been. I always will be. I split the rest of the night looking from one to the other. Johnette, Jay, Johnette, Jay. Yes, his name was Jay. I think. It was one of the best shows of my life. I haven't seen him since.

 This Monday morning on my way to work, I was listening to Concrete Blonde on my way to work, as I do. I was listening to Happy Birthday, because it was my birthday, and that memory popped into my head, so clear. Seeing him at her solos show, with so few people around. Watching him watch her. Then I remebered falling off of the bar stool, and the hawaiian shirts. I remembered Jay.

No, I'm not wondering what would have been different if I had talked to him. I was partnered. I do find people attractive, of course, but I'm not built in a way that allows me to be disrespectful to those I love. Or questionable, even, usually. Not saying it's good or otherwise, it's just me. 

That's my story.

I realize that I haven't made anything since before. Before the thing. Literally, I was looking at instagram, and the day before, I posted something I was so proud of. I had spent The day sending him pics of new stuff I had made. Then I just, stopped. Cold.

This weekend, I'm making art.

What;s your favorite Concrete Blonde song? Leave me a comment!

The Real Birthday Blues

 Having a birthday on January 4th has always been a bit of a bummer. The 10th day of Christmas, though I've never even seen ten lords a leaping. Three days after New Year's Day. Depending on how the days fall, frequently the day that winter breaks end. When I was a wee sprout, my mom made a big deal about it. I love celebrations, and special occasions, no matter how stoic and cynical some people find me. Because of 2020, and mental health/brain problem, and being broken hearted, this one is set to really blow chunks. Today, I'm having a bad anxiety day, but there will be a tiny cake and tacos at home. I'll try to remember to add pics later.

Hopefully, it won't be the worst birthday ever. I spent one of my birthdays in my 20s, when I was married, snowed in my house alone for three or four days. I hate snow. On my actual birthday, I nearly choked to death on soggy fruit loops. My tongue was pierced back then, and I somehow managed to get a fruit loops stuck on the bar on my tongue and in my throat. I literally lost consciousness for a moment, and fell, which dislodged the loops. I think it's kind of funny, now. 

I'm doing a class thing that gives you something to focus on/ write about each week for a year, both to write and know yourself better, this week is obstacles. What is my biggest obstacle? Me, clearly. I've gotten to where I am by a series of my own choices. With a litlle crazypants thrown in. My longest running obstacle? Still me. Self esteem, maybe. I've been trying to see myself like others see me. Which is hard, because of the break up thing. To some, I'm funny and smart and supportive and steady. I feel, like completely, not enough.

I am very empathetic. I believe you don't owe anyone your time, or your pain, or your effort. I believe you can't change how you feel, to an extent. You can choose to work to change. You can make an effort for things and people that are important. I believe in independence, and taking care of yourself first, though I don't always do that. I believe in honesty. I believe in doing what is right. I believe in finding joy and beauty all around. I believe in comfort and laughter. I believe in loving who you love. I believe you don't have to explain yourself or justify yourself to anyone. And I know, I'm trying not to go on and on about it, but...the breakup. All of those things apply to him, as well. But that really hurts, because I know that I fell so short, that he completely walked away. I felt like I was a bother, and making him respond to me when I messaged him. Making him think about me. Making him answer. So, I left it up to him. Oh. I see.

Generally if I say, oh, I see, my feelings are very hurt. 

Yep.

If I reply to a text or message with that, or just oh, it means I'm having that sinking, swallowed dry ice butterflies feeling in my belly. That's just a me thing. Partially because I almost always respond, just to show that I read the message. The more you know.

Throughout this saga, I've been reaching out more, which has been hard, because if the man you are in love with doesn't feel the same way, and you didn't know, how can you be sure who really likes you? What if everyone reassures me without meaning it? 

I know, I've said these things before. Telling me that I must not really know him, or that I'm worth so much more, or that the person I describe isn't the real person, or that he's bad in any way, or that I don't know him, really, isn't much helping. I do know him. I realize there's a repeat in there. Telling me that my adoration is possibly a symptom of the brain thing really doesn't help. I have doctors for that.

Last year, for my birthday, I got gothy dressed up and went to a nice dinner with him, at one of my favorite places. Then we went o goth night, one of my favorite things. I was so happy. It was the best birthday that I can remember. And we were out in public! I know how pathetic it sounds, you don't have to tell me. Telling me that I miss being in love doesn't help. I'm still in love. He just isn't. With me. He just, isn't. What I want or need from this situation is clearly unimportant right now. Maybe he's giving me time and space to heal. Maybe he feels bad about what happened. Maybe he hates me. Maybe he wants me to shut the fuck up.  Maybe he's just done.I don't have a clue.  He's not a villain. Yes, I still say good morning to him, out loud instead of by message. Yes, I save things to my phone that I would have sent to him. I dream about kissing him, being wrapped in his arms, but that is the bit I know he never wants again. I reread the message that states that clearly, if I'm having a hard time not messaging him. He could contact me at any time, in multiple ways. He doesn't owe me anything. He doesn't have to justify himself. I thought he would at least miss me as a friend. Maybe I bring too much drama or dread. It wasn't my intention. I still don't understand anything and he's not talking. He doesn't have to. He's making his own choices. Maybe, maybe, maybe. I don't even know if he knows my birthday is tomorrow. Pretty sure that it doesn't change anything. But he did give me one amazing one, last year. And he made me the best cookies ever 4 years ago for my birthday, when we were friends.

Gah. You're tired of hearing about it, I'm tired of feeling it, we're all tired here. I haven't been reaching out to talk about it. I think everyone is tired of it. I fell everyone is tired of me, no matter what pretty words they say.

Nothing is helping, really, except the medical shit. I am getting "better." I am healing, despite what it sounds like. As I said in an earlier post, I tend to repeat myself until I understand or come to grips with something. I know he's not coming back. I know there is nothing I can do or say to change that. It doesn't stop the missing, or the dreams of kisses. 

I keep getting Timekiller by Project Pitchfork stuck in my head. The perspective is wrong, but I don't want to be just a timekiller until something better comes along. Three in a row, yo. I haven't even dated that many people. That's like, half of my relationships. I don't want to be a timekiller anymore. 

I'm writing today, because tomorrw, my birthday, I'll be at work, and then a medical thing. Fun times, woohoo! This one is going to be sad and lonely. I'll survive.

Happy Aubrey's Birthday, y'all! 

Pic of my new tattoo again, because I love it. The story of it is in the post titled The Starless Sea.

3 Card New Year's Day Spread/Birthday Blues

 

From the Tarot Del Toro Deck, a simple New Year's Day 3 card spread, this was pulled as the basic Past/Present/Future. These cards are gorgeous! The art is astounding. I also realized that one of my other passions, even fandoms is represented, in one of these pics, cross stitching, and specifically stitching the amazing designs of Screaming Heart Designs. Find her on Etsy if you need patterns, I'm a little obsessed. That one in the image is the last of the Four Squares of the Apocalypse that I have to finish, Famine. I'm mostly done, then I'll finish them for framing and write about them.

In the past position is the King of Cups, or Goblets in this deck. He is emotional maturity, stability, mastery of a skill, being in control, success in learning. He's a leader that relies on logic, and making sure everything is taken care of. Thinking things through. Today, in the past position, he represents that the stability has been shaken, and you may feel like you are slipping from what you have achieved, you may be feeling a little off kilter, or full on crazy pants.The art on this card features the vampire from The Strain. Maybe you were on top of your game, and are feeling a little...drained? (Waka, waka, waka!)

In the present, we have the Knight of Discs (pentacles). This is hard work, and planning for the long term. This knight is not getting to where he's going quickly, necessarily, but he's considered all of the possibilities, made a plan, and put it into motion. He takes responsibility for his actions, learns, and uses that knowledge to reach his goals. Maybe a mistake has been made, a hard lesson that has caused you to reassess, in the now. It may seem impossible, but make lists, make plans, do the work and don't wait and hope. And do it now, not tomorrow. This card art features medieval style version of Striker Eureka fighting the Kaiju Knifehead, both from Pacific Rim. Never thought I'd type  Medieval and Kaiju in the same sentence...

In the future, Strength. Which represents, well, strength. Traditional decks show a woman calmly holding open the jaws of an adult lion. Strength is not just physical, it is emotional fortitude, and compassion, and knowing what is right, and doing that. Unstoppable will, and energy. Go read the poem Invictus, this is that. This card art features Mr. Wink, from Hellboy II, with his steel arm.

So, things were going well and stable, and were maybe knocked askew, causing some self doubt. Planning, knowing what you want, and working towards it, calmly and without panic is the course. Inconquerability is the result. Put that plan and drive to use, and overcome, and achieve.

Which is all true, without these cards, as well.

I hate New Year's Eve. Last year was the only notable great one I've ever had. I am almost always alone, and have generally just kept my normal sleeps time in recent years. But Monday is my birthday, so there is that. Frequently, when I was in school, my birthday was the day classes resumed. Yay. I usually take it off, but I didn't this year. I guess I'm not really doing anything for my birthday, at all. I did order myself a tiny cake. Might make tacos. Monday, I'll work and then do a mental health thing, maybe eat some drive through. I love my birthday, my mom always made a point to make it special, because it's so close to Christmas and New Year's. Combo gifts weren't allowed, because you wouldn't do that for someone who's birthday was in any other month, so it didn't happen for the girl born on the 10th day of Christmas. I'm pretty sad about it, but it's hard to sound like an adult and explain that to people, you know? Especially when you will be halfway to 94. But I can't really stamp my feet and ask for gifts and attention. Can I?

New beginnings. Use them wisely.

Queen of Diamonds, Ace of Hearts, Alice, Toast

 

Today's cards are the Queen of Diamonds and Ace of Hearts, from a new to me deck of Alice in wonderland playing cards. They are quite lovely!  The Queen of Diamonds can represent several different things, as they all can. Diamonds are the earth sign, and this queen (teapot?) is pointing backwards, to the past. This one is going to be a bit complicated. She is feminine energy, and can represent the fulfillment of dreams. But! (And she has a big but...) You have made a mistake, somewhere, put faith in the wrong person, you have perhaps taken the wrong turn at a crossroads. Choice is sacred, after all, it's the most important thing of all. This is a hard path, with obstacles put in front of you intentionally, and perhaps you've been feeling like the path you chose would be smoother, but you are finding it strewn with rocks, big rocks. Everyone can make a mistake, this queen wants to help you learn what's really important, what has true value, and lead you to fulfillment. She can also, depending on where she shows up, be a bad omen, warning you of toxic relationships and a woman who seemed genuine, but is shallow and gossipy, catty even. The kind of woman who tears others down, to make herself look better.  She could be her own warning, this path looked sunny, but it isn't, perhaps you were lured with deceit. She is overbearing in this sense. 

Hearts are water, and aces are beginnings or sources. This one can be the beginning of love, a period of emotional stability and contentment. This is a happy card, a love note, troubles dissipating, a return to something or the rebirth of happiness.

Together, with the imagery of this deck, maybe someone you dismissed is still thinking of you. Maybe you believed something untrue of them, or were led to believe something bad about them. Without them, the path has been different than you were led to believe. Maybe you were pressured by subtle manipulation, maybe you believed on your own something untrue. The good queen, she wants to make it easier, she wants to be there for you, this feels very much like a triangle, in love or close emotional friendship. Perhaps you were "led astray," either by a person or a mindset. Whichever, it isn't going as well as you thought. 

Water is beautiful, to me, in all forms. I'm a moving fresh water kind of girl, I love rivers and streams, and waterfalls. Both fast flowing, and gently lapping rivers are among my favorite sounds. Maybe you heard a waterfall, and were intimidated by the force of nature, and were distracted by an oil slick on asphalt. The colors are beautiful, that swirly, shifting midnight rainbow. It's also very shallow. And toxic. And easily washed away.

Take care of yourself, and practice random kindness, you never know how much it might mean to someone.

Also, I got that amazing toast stuffy as a gift. It's huge! My friends are awesome. Talk to you in 2021!

The Letter

I wrote this to him, obviously. I read it to him and gave it to him on the date above, the first time we hung out, after the first time we spoke in person after he broke up with me. Thats the conversation that I learned she never knew I existed, at all. That she didn't know he was in a relationship, after months of talking, and beginning to hang out in person.

She's not the reason I lost him. That's all me. He doesn't love me the way that I love him. He fell out of love. He just didn't tell me until she came along. I guess I'm more surprised that he ever loved me. She didn't know I existed.

She didn't know I had told him I didn't believe in forever, but he made me want to. He told her the day after we talked. He went to see her. In person. Not by text.

She was okay with it. She assumed he was seeing other people, or talking to other people. Which is different, to me, than being in a committed, monogamous relationship. One of the many things I don't understand, embracing a relationship that began with a lie. A lie of omission, but still a lie. But, we are clearly very different women. 

This isn't really about that. I gave him this, and he said nothing, that he had to ponder. After he told her that I existed, and when he broke up with me, he said I was important, and he wanted to rebuild our friendship and trust.

While dating her.

And that it would be okay. He was sure of it.

Well, yeah. Okay for him.

I've never varied.

I'm in love with him.

I didn't break anything. 

I shouldn't have to prove myself.

He believes what happened wasn't cheating. 

Maybe he's right.

My mental health crisis is not his fault. There is a physical cause. It started before the breakup, when I lost my teeth. Which doesn'tmean his actions didn'tcause damage. He's apologized for his handling of everything. And thanked me for calling him out, and holding him accountable. 

I know, if you've been following me, you know all of this. I know I've been a train wreck. I just feel so lost. And confused. And disposable. And unlovable. In the After conversations he to me I was none of these things. And yet....and yet.

Our last conversation was on the phone, and I asked if we were going to talk. He said we just kept saying the same things over and over. But, he hasn't said anything since that letter I thought he was pondering.  Nothing. I got mad. I hung up. I thought maybe something might change. Not back to what we were.

I still cry everyday. From the good morning I don't send until I get to work. As I drive past the house where his offspring lives, where he sometimes is, staring straight ahead so as not to look for his car. Odd twist of fate, I've spent a lot of time in that house in my life.

I've lost my boyfriend. I've lost my friend. I've lost my comfort. I've lost my sense of safety. I've lost my sense of what is to come. I've lost some self esteem. I've lost my sense of trust. I've lost being able to believe when people say nice things about or to me. I've lost security. I've lost trusting my senses. 

Some of it is mental health, some is damage.

I miss him. I miss my friend. I miss my lover. I miss his laugh, and the way he crinkles around the eyes when he really smiles. I miss talking to him about mechanical stuff, the worn gear is one of the last pics I sent to him, a piece of one of my machines that should not be a stepped gear, in all it's steel glory. I miss his scent. I miss his skin. I miss holding his hand.

I know that anything from here would be like meeting again, square one. People keep telling me the man I'm in love with exists only in my head. But I know him. I know him.

And I'm confused.

And still hurt.

I told some of you that I walked away, and I have. I'm not forcing him to interact with me. I'm not messaging him. I'm not calling him.

It doesn't mean it's what I want, or I'm okay with it. A lot of damage has been done. I don't know what I want, but the complete silence from him feels punitive and cruel. Dismissive.

I miss the glow of his sun on my horizon.

I really miss stupid memes.

And food videos.

And kisses.

I'm working on a new project.

I'm trying to stop talking about this. I've screamed my throat bloody and spilt the blood from the heart ripped from my chest and it doesn't matter. Nothing, ever, in my life has made me feel like I mattered less. Like my feelings matter less. So hopeless, and helpless, and pointless.

That feels worse from the friend I guess I lost.

 

7 of Clubs, King of Spades, and Stuff

 The suit of clubs is representative of fire, achievement, business, ambition, communication, information, knowledge. Clubs want to consider things, think things through,  and Know. Like, for sure, in definite. Spades are air, gossip, upsets, challenges, messages. The sickle which has become a spade can symbolize physical work, hands on stuff.

The seven if spades represents success in business, anxiety or problem in love. Not only that, it's a problem the seeker cannot resolve, it's in another's hands.

(Laughing/sobbing hysterically....)

Kings are generally represent actual men, older and/or dark haired, of an airy nature or sign. This one is looking back, so it's someone well known before now. If it's not an actual man, well, it's a human working at cross purposes to you, someone who wants what you have, someone intentionally being or placing an obstacle to your goals.

What does this mean for me? 

I have no relationship, but a lot of anxiety about love. My job is changing, for the better, with a raise. I'm good at it. I am unsure of the meaning of the king. I get no intuitive pull from this one, today. I don't feel cock blocked by Darth Vader (if thepic isn'ton the blog yet, they're Star Wars playing cards.) I don't know if anyone wants me to fail. I don't particularly have any goals. I want the man back, but I'm not fighting anymore. I fought until exhaustion, and it's not up to me, tricksy 7 of clubs. 

We are still at no contact since I left it up to him. I relinquished control.

We never had a fight, but I don't want anyone to think I have some kind of idealized, candy apple vision of our relationship. I wanted more. Something changed during the first quarantine. I stayed away for 8 weeks, like I was supposed to. Maybe it's my fault because of that. I never spent a holiday with him, or met his parents. We went on one weekend trip, with the one friend of his he introduced me to. I did feel like I was a dirty secret. He never even implied he was with anyone, no pics of matching beer glasses. He never took me to the place he liked to hang out. He took me near it. We walked by it a couple of times. True, I don't know much about beer, but I'm not one to denigrate the things my partner likes, and I really did want to learn more about this thing he loves. I never told him that. Another fail on my part. The things I haven't forgiven? Telling me at first that my anxiety caused him to leave. Not mentioning to her that he was in a committed relationship, while talking to her constantly, for a couple of months, even when we were together, that whopping one night a week that I got. Not having a conversation with me, instead of crushing me out of the blue with a text message. Not wanting to try. Spwnding one of the most traumatic days of my life with her, somewhere else he lives but never took me, the day he said he wasn't giving up, though I didn't know that until recently.I can't make him love me. He did once, I think. He never said it, so I guess he didn't lie. I just sound dumber and dumber the more I go on. I gave him a lot of leeway, and I trusted the words he did say, because he doesn't say many. I trusted his actions. And he told me he wasn't giving up on me, and that we had time.

If you are wondering, yes, I know I repeat myself, in writing and conversation. It means I feel I haven't been heard. Yeah, I hate it, too. Sometimes things go around and around in my head and out of my mouth until I can make sense of it and find closure. I can't understand this. I can't believe my friend treated me like this. Though, I suppose, karmically, he's good. He lost nothing he wasn't trying to. I miss him.

My feelings haven't changed, except now I'm just sad. Still in love with someone who doesn't feel the same way. I've never fought for something so hard, to be so disregarded. A boyfriend might do that, but my friend did that, too. I don't think he's hurt, or embarrassed, or ashamed, though those things have been suggested to me. 

I know I can't do anything. I've always been honest about how I feel. Open. I don't want to make him react to me, he apparently doesn't want to act.

It's not getting easier. For me.

And it doesn't matter. 

And that is devastating. 

Aces Redundant

 

I did a card pull today, from the Cartomancer Cards poker deck and the Tarot Del Toro. These are essentially the same card. A fire card, the epitome of fire, being an ace. In traditional cartomancy, the ace of clubs can be either wealth and gain or a marriage, or binding contract. The ace of wands is the element of fire in transition, things have to burn to regrow. Or inspired consciousness and the desire to grow, to begin. Planting new seeds. New beginnings, creativity, initiative, balancing, energy.  Take from that what you will.

I'm an intuitive reader. I know the technicalities, but sometimes they don't feel right. For a person, or situation. These were for me, though anyone can take anything from them, if they feel right. Pretty sure there's no marriage here. So, creative endeavours it is. I will be writing more little fictions here, and posting more card pulls and music stuff, as well as the personal bits. 

As for personal bits, someone drove 6 hours to have dinner with me. That was nice, and appreciated. I got a super awesome new coffee maker for Christmas. I love it. And my sharky gifts. My birthday is soon. Like, a week from tomorrow.

He was my ace of fire, so I'm not sure what this means. He is a fire sign, tripled. I miss him, of course. But maybe I was a fool the whole time. I never got to see him on a holiday, except for last new year's eve, which we were alone, in bed for. I never got to be tagged anywhere with him. I never got a post on insta with two beer glasses and a meal shared. I've said before I felt hidden, like a secret shame, almost. I didn't meet his other friends, so i couldn't interact with them on social media. I was just, nothing. I guess now he can do these things. She's pretty and fit and apparently shareable. I've left contact up to him, and there has been none. I haven't even looked at all of the del Toro deck, because I relate looking at new cards with him. I have, in fact, looked at that one above. I feel forgotten and disposable. Like I was never anything special. I'm certainly easy to move on from, and that hurts. I guess he doesn't want to be my friend anymore. I guess I can't blame him. I'm working on wishing him happiness with her. I'm really trying. He has it, whether or not I wish it.

I just wish I could understand. Or feel anymore like I was worth anyone's love. If someone you've been friends with for so long can't love you, who can? Maybe he just wants me to shut the fuck up about him. I don't know. My truth is this, I still say good morning every morning, which means more. I still want to send him things. I still miss him sending me silly shit, because it meant he thought about me. Maybe I was always a fool. It's hard, not reaching out to him. Really hard. This is worse than losing a friend to death. Most of the friends I've had that died did not do so willingly. This has been a complete rejection. Complete. Maybe he needs time. Like I said, I don't know. Such pretty words about rebuilding trust and friendship, oh, while he's dating someone else. Knowing what I want, I was supposed to be okay with this. Maybe I can't even get that anymore. My trust was broken. My heart was broken. But I'm supposed to be okay with everything.

The silence again feels cruel and dismissive. Maybe it's supposed to.

I don't know.

I really don't know.