7 of Clubs, King of Spades, and Stuff

 The suit of clubs is representative of fire, achievement, business, ambition, communication, information, knowledge. Clubs want to consider things, think things through,  and Know. Like, for sure, in definite. Spades are air, gossip, upsets, challenges, messages. The sickle which has become a spade can symbolize physical work, hands on stuff.

The seven if spades represents success in business, anxiety or problem in love. Not only that, it's a problem the seeker cannot resolve, it's in another's hands.

(Laughing/sobbing hysterically....)

Kings are generally represent actual men, older and/or dark haired, of an airy nature or sign. This one is looking back, so it's someone well known before now. If it's not an actual man, well, it's a human working at cross purposes to you, someone who wants what you have, someone intentionally being or placing an obstacle to your goals.

What does this mean for me? 

I have no relationship, but a lot of anxiety about love. My job is changing, for the better, with a raise. I'm good at it. I am unsure of the meaning of the king. I get no intuitive pull from this one, today. I don't feel cock blocked by Darth Vader (if thepic isn'ton the blog yet, they're Star Wars playing cards.) I don't know if anyone wants me to fail. I don't particularly have any goals. I want the man back, but I'm not fighting anymore. I fought until exhaustion, and it's not up to me, tricksy 7 of clubs. 

We are still at no contact since I left it up to him. I relinquished control.

We never had a fight, but I don't want anyone to think I have some kind of idealized, candy apple vision of our relationship. I wanted more. Something changed during the first quarantine. I stayed away for 8 weeks, like I was supposed to. Maybe it's my fault because of that. I never spent a holiday with him, or met his parents. We went on one weekend trip, with the one friend of his he introduced me to. I did feel like I was a dirty secret. He never even implied he was with anyone, no pics of matching beer glasses. He never took me to the place he liked to hang out. He took me near it. We walked by it a couple of times. True, I don't know much about beer, but I'm not one to denigrate the things my partner likes, and I really did want to learn more about this thing he loves. I never told him that. Another fail on my part. The things I haven't forgiven? Telling me at first that my anxiety caused him to leave. Not mentioning to her that he was in a committed relationship, while talking to her constantly, for a couple of months, even when we were together, that whopping one night a week that I got. Not having a conversation with me, instead of crushing me out of the blue with a text message. Not wanting to try. Spwnding one of the most traumatic days of my life with her, somewhere else he lives but never took me, the day he said he wasn't giving up, though I didn't know that until recently.I can't make him love me. He did once, I think. He never said it, so I guess he didn't lie. I just sound dumber and dumber the more I go on. I gave him a lot of leeway, and I trusted the words he did say, because he doesn't say many. I trusted his actions. And he told me he wasn't giving up on me, and that we had time.

If you are wondering, yes, I know I repeat myself, in writing and conversation. It means I feel I haven't been heard. Yeah, I hate it, too. Sometimes things go around and around in my head and out of my mouth until I can make sense of it and find closure. I can't understand this. I can't believe my friend treated me like this. Though, I suppose, karmically, he's good. He lost nothing he wasn't trying to. I miss him.

My feelings haven't changed, except now I'm just sad. Still in love with someone who doesn't feel the same way. I've never fought for something so hard, to be so disregarded. A boyfriend might do that, but my friend did that, too. I don't think he's hurt, or embarrassed, or ashamed, though those things have been suggested to me. 

I know I can't do anything. I've always been honest about how I feel. Open. I don't want to make him react to me, he apparently doesn't want to act.

It's not getting easier. For me.

And it doesn't matter. 

And that is devastating.