Rainy Night Thoughts

 I know that I don't usually post this often, it is what it is. It helps me order my thoughts, sometimes. I hurt my own feelings tonight. In my excitement about the new tattoo appointment, I looked at instagram, which I haven't done. And I got to see that she posted kissy faces to him, and it was like falling. Like a pit opened under me. Again. Partially, I wish I had been secure enough to do it. Heart eyes are why I left Instagram in the first place. But I really always kind of thought that he didn't want anyone to know about us. I don't know if he reads these, but I haven't said and I'm not going to say anything that I haven't said to him. I've been open and clear about how I feel. 

Our first conversation after he broke up with me, I learned that she never knew that he was dating anyone. We'd been together for over a year, but he just never mentioned me. His work was fucked up and the world was fucked up. I'm not trying to make excuses for him, nor do I want to make him look bad. I'm in love with him, still. There are some other things, but the people that I've confided in and sought advice from, those that know him are surprised, because this is not like him. At all. The way this happened is an aberration. I expressed to him that the fact that he wanted to pursue a relationship with someone that started in deceit seemed contradictory to the man I've known for 17 years. I have asked, and he has said, that I didn't do anything to cause this. I don't have anything to make up for. I knew something was off, but I thought we were headed for a conversation, not just goodbye. I thought I was worth a conversation, not a changing story. So i don't exactly know what is true. He wants to rebuild a friendship with me, and date her. Knowing that I want to be with him, fully. Better than we were. Communicating more. I'm just supposed to be okay not being able to touch the man I didn't wrong in any way. We've been hanging out. I love our time together, I love talking to him, I love hearing his thoughts, I love everything about it, except the bit where I can't hold his hand, or kiss him. I'm just as comfortable as I was, except I want to touch him. I want it all back, not at once, but I want it all. Better. I know a lot more about myself now than I did then, I know that seems crazy, but it's been a hell of a couple of months, starting with the realization that I wasn't handling this situation "correctly." I really don't want to go into that right now, it's an ongoing process. I refer to my support group, I actually made a support group in messenger, people I trust implicitly, people that I know love me. They are my sounding board to help keep me grounded. They are my touchstone. I appreciate all of them. A few of them don't get along, and a few of them are fighting their own battles, but they are my tribe. The people I trust. 

So, I'm fighting for this thing. I just want the chance that was taken away without conversation when he started a relationship with someone else. I'm not naive, or delusional. I've seen the specialist. Hell, I've seen pictures of my brain. I have no idea how he feels about the things I have expressed in hurricanes and blizzards of words, I've gotten very few back as of yet. He ponders. I'm trying to act more normal in every day life.

We all want that John Hughes movie moment, right? That one moment, that one kiss, when you know that a choice has been made. That surge of happy. Choice is sacred, but I actually asked him to choose to give us the chance he unilaterally took away. I don't miss having someone, I miss him. Still. We chat. We hang out. But I want all of it. I'm not usually jealous, but the thought of them together really fucking hurts, because I wanted to be worth that conversation, that acknowledgement of an issue, that chance at working it out. I want to scream that I need him to choose me, but I can't push. What if I lose him totally? That's crushing. Yes, I can hear one of you saying that if it can be destroyed by the truth, then it should be. But that means that the truth is I'm not even worth that conversation, that chance. I've said before that I have forgiven him for almost everything. I just want him to give us a chance, but I don't know how to make up for something I didn't do wrong, but I feel that's what I'm trying to do. I just want him to choose to give us a chance, without her as a consideration. Yes, I hear your groans and disagreement.

I know him. Many have heard me say that he is the best man I've ever known. People make mistakes, and fuck up, and people do change. Seventeen years. I want to be with him. I'm in love with him. I know him. And even now, I trust him.

I'm not doing this for manipulation, or guilt, or anything other that getting the words out of my head. Explaining, I guess. I used to get accused, a lot, of trying to manipulate with my true feelings, even with logic. Or silence. Or speaking. I know that I have always had self esteem issues. There's a lot of therapy and medical help on my current path. Like I said, I understand a few things that I didn't before, about me. I even know which part of my brain reacts when I think about him, visually. I just feel like I'm stuck in limbo.

There are plenty of pretty words about him in previous posts. All of those are still true for me. So for now, I hope, and have faith. Faith in the man that I know.

(I'm not an idiot. I realize that my faith may be misplaced, that this interlude of comfort and hanging out, I could lose that, too. Pretty sure that that would be my choice to make, watching the person you love and want to be with whole heartedly, fall for someone else, while wanting to keep the friendship bits of your relationship would be devastating to me. It's not like I could be happy for him, knowing that I wasn't even worth trying to work things out. I feel cheated. Not just cheated on, but cheated out of what I had, with no notice. This is in no way a mutual separation. I love him. All of him. For more reasons that I have words for. He fascinates me. I'm in love with him. I want to be with him. I choose him, a chance at a return to us, every day. Consciously. With much consideration.

Here, have a meme.

Mariah Carey makes me a bit nauseous, but.... All I want for Christmas is him....

(Enjoy the ear worm.)

Maybe the potential of someone else will always be better than the reality of me. Emotions aren't magic. Relationships take effort. And choice.