Ugh. Expanded.

 I've been up all night, sobbing and vomiting and heaving when I was empty.

I didn't send good morning to him this morning. I had returned to that, as a way to touch him, reach out. I still thought it. Good morning, James. I love you. 

Last night I called him. For the second time I said angry words. I have said so many words, and gotten no response, so he could process. 

See, I thought maybe I'd made a difference. Maybe we were getting closer to...a return. Nope. His words apparently still stand. He doesn't love me. I never had a chance.

When I lost my teeth, it was one of the most traumatic days of my life. I sent him a message asking not to give up on me. He said he wasn't, with a heart. I knew he had gone to Umstead that day. I didn't know she was with him.

He says he didn't cheat on me. He believes that. Maybe I'm wrong. He talked to her constantly for months and spent that day with her, but never told me about it. I'm not clingy or jealous in general. A lie of omission is still a lie.

When we talked about where to go, he wanted to rebuild a friendship with me, and date her. I asked if he thought this wS okay, and he always said yes. Y'all know how I feel about him. He's heard it more. I love him. I'm in love with him. I want to be with him.

He does this thing, I don't know how conscious he is of it, but he poses. He's above average gorgeous. He glows like the sun. Like, stop and stare level. If he knows he's being looked at, he poses. The last time we hung out, he posed. For me. He also moved so I couldn't accidentally touched him. I thought I had a chance.

I can't be his friend when I crave his touch. I dream about kissing him, and being wrapped in him. I crave it with my whole body and being. I want him.

I have no words for what I've done. I want to apologize. I hung up on him. An unfinished conversation. Maybe it was.

I love him. I'm in love with him. I want to be with him. I want to talk to him. I want to hear about his work. I want to make him laugh. I want to see the things that make him laugh, or think of me. I want all of him. 

I think he's mad at me.

He said he would make me a priority.

I'll probably only get silence from this point from him.

He doesn't love me.

I'm a fool for thinking I was worthy of him.

I'm just, a fool.

I love him.

But.

I. Won't. Fucking. Crawl.

Addendum:

I don't know what to do, but I know that he shouldn't get to keep my loyalty and adoration if I'm going to be without the physical that I crave. If he wants to rebuild anything, he'll have to make the effort to match his words. My actions vs words have been consistent. He said rebuilding with me, a friendship, was a priority, but I've asked for time and made plans. Which is a softening and a hardening of position. I know that my misplaced faith and hope have made me look a fool. I guess I thought his actions gave me hope when I was getting no words. It was my failing. Not his.

 For this.

Addendum 2:

I didn't send Good morning again today. Though I picked up my phone and thought it.

Good morning, James. I love you. I hope you have a lovely day.

In case I didn't make it clear, he has apologized for how he handled this situation. 

He's not in love with me. He has no interest in being in love with me, I suppose.

I guess I wanted to be worth some effort. I know it's only been a couple of days since I hung up on him. I don't know if he's mad. I shouldn't care.

But there's a giant James shaped hole in my life. Feels like it's in my being. And it's empty. 

I know how fucking pathetic I seem in all of this.

I think he's worth it.

But I can't change anything.

I can't.

I generally write these stream of consciousness style, but I'm actually working on Tuesday night's epic post. Epic. It requires research. And is looking to be long as fuck.

Thank you for sticking with me.

And good morning, James.

If you see this.

Even if you don't.