Queen of Diamonds, Ace of Hearts, Alice, Toast

 

Today's cards are the Queen of Diamonds and Ace of Hearts, from a new to me deck of Alice in wonderland playing cards. They are quite lovely!  The Queen of Diamonds can represent several different things, as they all can. Diamonds are the earth sign, and this queen (teapot?) is pointing backwards, to the past. This one is going to be a bit complicated. She is feminine energy, and can represent the fulfillment of dreams. But! (And she has a big but...) You have made a mistake, somewhere, put faith in the wrong person, you have perhaps taken the wrong turn at a crossroads. Choice is sacred, after all, it's the most important thing of all. This is a hard path, with obstacles put in front of you intentionally, and perhaps you've been feeling like the path you chose would be smoother, but you are finding it strewn with rocks, big rocks. Everyone can make a mistake, this queen wants to help you learn what's really important, what has true value, and lead you to fulfillment. She can also, depending on where she shows up, be a bad omen, warning you of toxic relationships and a woman who seemed genuine, but is shallow and gossipy, catty even. The kind of woman who tears others down, to make herself look better.  She could be her own warning, this path looked sunny, but it isn't, perhaps you were lured with deceit. She is overbearing in this sense. 

Hearts are water, and aces are beginnings or sources. This one can be the beginning of love, a period of emotional stability and contentment. This is a happy card, a love note, troubles dissipating, a return to something or the rebirth of happiness.

Together, with the imagery of this deck, maybe someone you dismissed is still thinking of you. Maybe you believed something untrue of them, or were led to believe something bad about them. Without them, the path has been different than you were led to believe. Maybe you were pressured by subtle manipulation, maybe you believed on your own something untrue. The good queen, she wants to make it easier, she wants to be there for you, this feels very much like a triangle, in love or close emotional friendship. Perhaps you were "led astray," either by a person or a mindset. Whichever, it isn't going as well as you thought. 

Water is beautiful, to me, in all forms. I'm a moving fresh water kind of girl, I love rivers and streams, and waterfalls. Both fast flowing, and gently lapping rivers are among my favorite sounds. Maybe you heard a waterfall, and were intimidated by the force of nature, and were distracted by an oil slick on asphalt. The colors are beautiful, that swirly, shifting midnight rainbow. It's also very shallow. And toxic. And easily washed away.

Take care of yourself, and practice random kindness, you never know how much it might mean to someone.

Also, I got that amazing toast stuffy as a gift. It's huge! My friends are awesome. Talk to you in 2021!

The Letter

I wrote this to him, obviously. I read it to him and gave it to him on the date above, the first time we hung out, after the first time we spoke in person after he broke up with me. Thats the conversation that I learned she never knew I existed, at all. That she didn't know he was in a relationship, after months of talking, and beginning to hang out in person.

She's not the reason I lost him. That's all me. He doesn't love me the way that I love him. He fell out of love. He just didn't tell me until she came along. I guess I'm more surprised that he ever loved me. She didn't know I existed.

She didn't know I had told him I didn't believe in forever, but he made me want to. He told her the day after we talked. He went to see her. In person. Not by text.

She was okay with it. She assumed he was seeing other people, or talking to other people. Which is different, to me, than being in a committed, monogamous relationship. One of the many things I don't understand, embracing a relationship that began with a lie. A lie of omission, but still a lie. But, we are clearly very different women. 

This isn't really about that. I gave him this, and he said nothing, that he had to ponder. After he told her that I existed, and when he broke up with me, he said I was important, and he wanted to rebuild our friendship and trust.

While dating her.

And that it would be okay. He was sure of it.

Well, yeah. Okay for him.

I've never varied.

I'm in love with him.

I didn't break anything. 

I shouldn't have to prove myself.

He believes what happened wasn't cheating. 

Maybe he's right.

My mental health crisis is not his fault. There is a physical cause. It started before the breakup, when I lost my teeth. Which doesn'tmean his actions didn'tcause damage. He's apologized for his handling of everything. And thanked me for calling him out, and holding him accountable. 

I know, if you've been following me, you know all of this. I know I've been a train wreck. I just feel so lost. And confused. And disposable. And unlovable. In the After conversations he to me I was none of these things. And yet....and yet.

Our last conversation was on the phone, and I asked if we were going to talk. He said we just kept saying the same things over and over. But, he hasn't said anything since that letter I thought he was pondering.  Nothing. I got mad. I hung up. I thought maybe something might change. Not back to what we were.

I still cry everyday. From the good morning I don't send until I get to work. As I drive past the house where his offspring lives, where he sometimes is, staring straight ahead so as not to look for his car. Odd twist of fate, I've spent a lot of time in that house in my life.

I've lost my boyfriend. I've lost my friend. I've lost my comfort. I've lost my sense of safety. I've lost my sense of what is to come. I've lost some self esteem. I've lost my sense of trust. I've lost being able to believe when people say nice things about or to me. I've lost security. I've lost trusting my senses. 

Some of it is mental health, some is damage.

I miss him. I miss my friend. I miss my lover. I miss his laugh, and the way he crinkles around the eyes when he really smiles. I miss talking to him about mechanical stuff, the worn gear is one of the last pics I sent to him, a piece of one of my machines that should not be a stepped gear, in all it's steel glory. I miss his scent. I miss his skin. I miss holding his hand.

I know that anything from here would be like meeting again, square one. People keep telling me the man I'm in love with exists only in my head. But I know him. I know him.

And I'm confused.

And still hurt.

I told some of you that I walked away, and I have. I'm not forcing him to interact with me. I'm not messaging him. I'm not calling him.

It doesn't mean it's what I want, or I'm okay with it. A lot of damage has been done. I don't know what I want, but the complete silence from him feels punitive and cruel. Dismissive.

I miss the glow of his sun on my horizon.

I really miss stupid memes.

And food videos.

And kisses.

I'm working on a new project.

I'm trying to stop talking about this. I've screamed my throat bloody and spilt the blood from the heart ripped from my chest and it doesn't matter. Nothing, ever, in my life has made me feel like I mattered less. Like my feelings matter less. So hopeless, and helpless, and pointless.

That feels worse from the friend I guess I lost.

 

7 of Clubs, King of Spades, and Stuff

 The suit of clubs is representative of fire, achievement, business, ambition, communication, information, knowledge. Clubs want to consider things, think things through,  and Know. Like, for sure, in definite. Spades are air, gossip, upsets, challenges, messages. The sickle which has become a spade can symbolize physical work, hands on stuff.

The seven if spades represents success in business, anxiety or problem in love. Not only that, it's a problem the seeker cannot resolve, it's in another's hands.

(Laughing/sobbing hysterically....)

Kings are generally represent actual men, older and/or dark haired, of an airy nature or sign. This one is looking back, so it's someone well known before now. If it's not an actual man, well, it's a human working at cross purposes to you, someone who wants what you have, someone intentionally being or placing an obstacle to your goals.

What does this mean for me? 

I have no relationship, but a lot of anxiety about love. My job is changing, for the better, with a raise. I'm good at it. I am unsure of the meaning of the king. I get no intuitive pull from this one, today. I don't feel cock blocked by Darth Vader (if thepic isn'ton the blog yet, they're Star Wars playing cards.) I don't know if anyone wants me to fail. I don't particularly have any goals. I want the man back, but I'm not fighting anymore. I fought until exhaustion, and it's not up to me, tricksy 7 of clubs. 

We are still at no contact since I left it up to him. I relinquished control.

We never had a fight, but I don't want anyone to think I have some kind of idealized, candy apple vision of our relationship. I wanted more. Something changed during the first quarantine. I stayed away for 8 weeks, like I was supposed to. Maybe it's my fault because of that. I never spent a holiday with him, or met his parents. We went on one weekend trip, with the one friend of his he introduced me to. I did feel like I was a dirty secret. He never even implied he was with anyone, no pics of matching beer glasses. He never took me to the place he liked to hang out. He took me near it. We walked by it a couple of times. True, I don't know much about beer, but I'm not one to denigrate the things my partner likes, and I really did want to learn more about this thing he loves. I never told him that. Another fail on my part. The things I haven't forgiven? Telling me at first that my anxiety caused him to leave. Not mentioning to her that he was in a committed relationship, while talking to her constantly, for a couple of months, even when we were together, that whopping one night a week that I got. Not having a conversation with me, instead of crushing me out of the blue with a text message. Not wanting to try. Spwnding one of the most traumatic days of my life with her, somewhere else he lives but never took me, the day he said he wasn't giving up, though I didn't know that until recently.I can't make him love me. He did once, I think. He never said it, so I guess he didn't lie. I just sound dumber and dumber the more I go on. I gave him a lot of leeway, and I trusted the words he did say, because he doesn't say many. I trusted his actions. And he told me he wasn't giving up on me, and that we had time.

If you are wondering, yes, I know I repeat myself, in writing and conversation. It means I feel I haven't been heard. Yeah, I hate it, too. Sometimes things go around and around in my head and out of my mouth until I can make sense of it and find closure. I can't understand this. I can't believe my friend treated me like this. Though, I suppose, karmically, he's good. He lost nothing he wasn't trying to. I miss him.

My feelings haven't changed, except now I'm just sad. Still in love with someone who doesn't feel the same way. I've never fought for something so hard, to be so disregarded. A boyfriend might do that, but my friend did that, too. I don't think he's hurt, or embarrassed, or ashamed, though those things have been suggested to me. 

I know I can't do anything. I've always been honest about how I feel. Open. I don't want to make him react to me, he apparently doesn't want to act.

It's not getting easier. For me.

And it doesn't matter. 

And that is devastating. 

Aces Redundant

 

I did a card pull today, from the Cartomancer Cards poker deck and the Tarot Del Toro. These are essentially the same card. A fire card, the epitome of fire, being an ace. In traditional cartomancy, the ace of clubs can be either wealth and gain or a marriage, or binding contract. The ace of wands is the element of fire in transition, things have to burn to regrow. Or inspired consciousness and the desire to grow, to begin. Planting new seeds. New beginnings, creativity, initiative, balancing, energy.  Take from that what you will.

I'm an intuitive reader. I know the technicalities, but sometimes they don't feel right. For a person, or situation. These were for me, though anyone can take anything from them, if they feel right. Pretty sure there's no marriage here. So, creative endeavours it is. I will be writing more little fictions here, and posting more card pulls and music stuff, as well as the personal bits. 

As for personal bits, someone drove 6 hours to have dinner with me. That was nice, and appreciated. I got a super awesome new coffee maker for Christmas. I love it. And my sharky gifts. My birthday is soon. Like, a week from tomorrow.

He was my ace of fire, so I'm not sure what this means. He is a fire sign, tripled. I miss him, of course. But maybe I was a fool the whole time. I never got to see him on a holiday, except for last new year's eve, which we were alone, in bed for. I never got to be tagged anywhere with him. I never got a post on insta with two beer glasses and a meal shared. I've said before I felt hidden, like a secret shame, almost. I didn't meet his other friends, so i couldn't interact with them on social media. I was just, nothing. I guess now he can do these things. She's pretty and fit and apparently shareable. I've left contact up to him, and there has been none. I haven't even looked at all of the del Toro deck, because I relate looking at new cards with him. I have, in fact, looked at that one above. I feel forgotten and disposable. Like I was never anything special. I'm certainly easy to move on from, and that hurts. I guess he doesn't want to be my friend anymore. I guess I can't blame him. I'm working on wishing him happiness with her. I'm really trying. He has it, whether or not I wish it.

I just wish I could understand. Or feel anymore like I was worth anyone's love. If someone you've been friends with for so long can't love you, who can? Maybe he just wants me to shut the fuck up about him. I don't know. My truth is this, I still say good morning every morning, which means more. I still want to send him things. I still miss him sending me silly shit, because it meant he thought about me. Maybe I was always a fool. It's hard, not reaching out to him. Really hard. This is worse than losing a friend to death. Most of the friends I've had that died did not do so willingly. This has been a complete rejection. Complete. Maybe he needs time. Like I said, I don't know. Such pretty words about rebuilding trust and friendship, oh, while he's dating someone else. Knowing what I want, I was supposed to be okay with this. Maybe I can't even get that anymore. My trust was broken. My heart was broken. But I'm supposed to be okay with everything.

The silence again feels cruel and dismissive. Maybe it's supposed to.

I don't know.

I really don't know.

Always

 I know you may be tired of this. I know I am. This is going to be a bit of a ramble, perhaps get a beverage and settle in, if you are going to stick with me here.

So, I've been suffering a mental health crisis, that I've been semi open about. I realized not too long after the breakup that I wasn't handling things like me. I've suffered from depression since I was 16, PTSD since I was 18. I lost my health insurance in 2016 when I quit my job to care full time for my grandmother with dementia, to keep her in her home until she died. I didn't realize how little support I would have in that endeavour. So, I was unmedicated until October, except I had a heart attack in 2018. During this mental health crisis, I learned how nearly fatal it was. I honestly didn't know. So, I thought I was having another heart attack on October 4, I went to the ER. I wasn't having a heart attack. A very helpful ER doctor and a complete jackass cardiologist told me a few options for healthcare, and the ER doc helped me get established with an organization. So. Done. I've been tachycardic, my resting heart rate was around 110-115, since my heart attack, and I had constant pain from Dressler's Syndrome, which is a fancy way to say your heart hurts. Every day since my heart attack. Until October 4 this year. There were nights I was terrified to go to sleep, because I thought I wouldn't wake up. The thing is, I could get my medecine for free, but I do pay for it, because I can, and that little bit of money could help them help someone else. My prescriptions are inexpensive, it was seeing a doctor that I couldn't manage, with the associated costs of lab tests and such. All taken care of now. For now, anyway. Background, I don't want pity or sympathy. ever. The mental health crisis started when I knocked my 4 front bottom teeth out, in September. It was hugely damaging to my psyche. I'm not a pretty girl, never have been. But, damn. I actually broke them at the bone and had to have them removed. I fucking hate it. I wear a thing in my mouth. No one would know if I didn't tell them. Also, my PTSD was upgraded to CPTSD due to the experience with my Gramma, and two and a half years of caring for her, watching her slip away slowly then all at once. There's a lot of mental illness on my paternal side. Yada yada.

This crisis didn't happen because of the unexpected and shattering break up. 

But I kept trying to explain to a couple of people that something was wrong, like something snapped in my brain. I have always been the queen of walking away. If people don't want to be in my life, I don't want to force them. I want them all to be happy, over there (points in nay direction away.) I hope they win the lottery, so they can be happy. Over there. I wish no one ill, usually. I hope they live happy lives that don't intersect with mine.

Turns out, I wasn't handling things correctly. Something snapped in my brain. I've had scans and neurological stuff I don't want to talk about yet. PTSD is actually brain damage. My brain wasn't working right. I've had pretty intensive therapy and psychiatrist and neurologist stuff. I'm handling it all on my own. extreme independence is a trauma response. I know. Don't tell my fucking mother. I got this. Don't worry her.

During the (still occasional) suicidal bit, I made arrangements with 2 people I love to do something so that my Mom would think I was loved, and well liked, and memorable, if something happened to me. One of them is in constant physical pain, and the other is dealing with her own shattering, heart breaking problem right now, and I feel like a bbitch for even asking. I love them both so much, but I can;t do anything to help. I wish I could help. 

I wish I knew what people really thought of me, and remembered. What they would say if I was gone. If I made a difference. Oddly, two people from my past have contacted me recently, both people I'm shocked even know who I am. I'm a background human. People have told me nice things since I've been going through this. That's what friends are supposed to do. I just wish I thought it was true. But that seems like vanity bordering on hubris. I dunno.

Wow, this sin't going where I thought it was.

So, not handling things well, or with any semblance of me. 

But, here's the thing, the queen of walking away has found a human she can't walk away from. Honestly. I feel that strongly about the man that I lost. I've talked about it with professionals ad nauseum. They've watched my brain while asking questions. This bit is true. But he walked away from me. Still, miss is not a sufficient word. We were friends for such a long time before he kissed me. I wasn't dating, and he kissed me. My heart was damaged, and the best man I've ever known kissed me. we pursued each other. I fell in love. Then Mint Chocolate Chip happened. (It's an earlier blog post.) And most of the posts after, in varying degrees of pathetic and crazy.

I am just that in love with him. 

The last time I spoke to him, I was angry. He said we were just saying the same things over and over, but he was saying nothing. He had said before that he wanted to be friends. I want more. I want what we had, but better. I told him in a message after that that I was tired of feeling like I was begging for attention, and any contact is in his hands. I miss the day to day conversations. I miss him sending me things. I miss everything about him. Part of me wants to be his friend, just so I can be close to him. That just hurts differently. 

I have so many questions I want answers to. I want him to want to talk to me. I want to know if he misses me, or if he thinks he dodged a bullet. I want to know if he thinks about me. I've heard nothing at all since I left contact up to him. Maybe he's giving me time and space. Maybe he's given up. I wish every day for a random good morning. Maybe a Merry Christmas. He doesn't love me, like I love him. I know this. I tried all I could do to convince him to please give us a chance. I deluded myself into thinking he was considering it, because he said he was pondering. I spilled so many words, like blood and tears. I don't think any of them mattered at all. I wish I was the priority he said I was, but I think I've fucked up even that chance. My brain is much more "normal." Like other people's brains work. I'm not stuck in my feed back loop. I still have the worthless feeling, and I'm feeling even more rejected. I don't know. I just want him to really talk to me. Fuck, I really want to talk to him about where the new Costco is going to be. That's some shit right there.

Maybe I am more rejected. Deeds not words.

I'm tired of being sad. And this is sad. The depression is still there, but one of the most useful things that a therapist ever taught me is that sadness has a  definable cause, depression is when everything is overwhelming and you can't pinpoint a reason. I'm so fucking sad. I don't know what to do. I won't send him a link to this. I doubt he'll ever see it. I doubt he'll ever see me. I can't much blame him. But I won't beg. 

You know the song Shameless by Billy Joel? It's like that. Really. And I'm lost. And I want him to reach out. But I can't make him do that. 

I need to wrap my Mom's presents. Merry Christmas, and happy holidays, if you celebrate. 

Thanks for reading. Leave comments if you wish.

After all this time? (I know it hasn't been THAT long, it just seems it to me.)

Always.

The Starless Sea

 I hurt myself today

To see if I still feel

I focus on the pain

The only thing that's real

The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting

Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt.

So, this is my new tattoo. I actually enjoy the feeling of being tattooed. I've wanted this one for a year, but started making actual plans for it in October. Spoke to an artist, made an appointment, etc. If you haven't read the book The Starless Sea by Erin Morgenstern, you should. I read it the week it came out in November 2019. Then I read it again. It's a story about stories, in the loosest terms. It hits a number of my important life themes. I went out and bought a hardback copy to share with James right after I read it, and he isn't a huge reader. The imagery is stunning.

If you know me, you know that I have a thing about choices, doorways, and crossroads. Each one is always a choice, choice is sacred, the only thing we can control is our own choices. My love and consideration of every door has led to a love of keys, and doorknobs. This book speaks to me on a level I cannot properly express. I looked at art and artists intensely to find one local to me that could do what I wanted. I spoke to a couple who told me what I wanted wasn't what I wanted. After many emails, phone calls, and a consultation, I decided on Emily Page at Rat-A-Tat-Tat's in downtown Cary. Her art is amazing, and can be so delicate. Sebastian, who handles the emails and phone provides amazing customer service, and comes across as patient, and non judgemental of the crazy. The shop is cute and clean and unintimidating. They are taking every possible safety precaution.I love tattoos, and tattoo shops, but some are intentionally dickish and can make people feel less than for what they want. 

The bee symbolizes community, industry, personal power, spring and summer and flowers, the goddess and fertility, sweetness and honey, you can follow a bee to a new destination. Bees are always a positive symbol. Bees are omens of good luck and prosperity.

The key is an opener of locks. It can be freedom, or the safekeeping of something sacred or precious. It's a moment of pause, to contemplate a door. They are symbols of gateways and choice, mystery, knowledge, initiation, growth via unlocking. Gatekeeper deities keep sets of keys as symbols. Different keys do different things. The correct corresponding key is required for each lock. If you have the key, you can access a new path or room. A key is access.

The sword is a symbol of might and strength. Power and authority. It can be seen as a phallic symbol, with it's corresponding sheath being the yonic. In alchemy, they are the symbol of purification.

What do they mean in The Starless Sea? There are three paths. The acolyte. The guardian. The keeper. They all involve you reading the book.There are owls and muffins and cocktails and door knobs and deception and books and pirates and labyrinths and masks and libraries and video games and tea and snow and ice and a dollhouse. A lot of people really dislike the book, I find the bad reviews as illuminating as the good ones.  I loved her first novel, and an NPR interview led me to getting this one the day it came out. I can't really explain what the book means to me, how it affected me.

It's a story of time and fate and struggle and beauty and loss. I was in a completely different place when I decided I wanted a personalized version of this. There is a sentence that makes me ugly cry, every time that I read it. Which has been a few now. The struggle seems unbearable. The losses and gains unimaginable but the bit that gets me, why this is here, on me, so that I can see it? This is by most tattoo standards upside down. It is for me and me alone, even if it is my most visible tattoo now.  It is a reminder. For me. That line? it's after the spoiler alert. It's your choice to read from there.

On a relationship note, I suppose there is none. It's been a week since I've seen his face. A week since I've had the lingering scent of his skin on mine from a hug. I miss memes and videos that he thought I'd like, or that he wanted to share to make me smile. I miss knowing he was thinking of me. Maybe he doesn't.  It's been 4 days since I sent a good morning. Which has always meant i love you and I choose you. I really want to run to him, to share this with him. To get that giant hug, be wrapped in him. I did send him a message on Sunday, with a blog link, and saying that this is in his hands now. Rebuild, or whatever may come. I've fought with every fiber of my being for months. I don't know what happens now. I release any semblance of control. Which doesn't mean anything has changed about how I feel. It hasn't. He's not a bad man. He's a very good man. He handled a situation badly. So have I. I love all of him. Even mistakes. Not that breaking up with me was a mistake for him, I believe he stands behind it. I wish I knew what he really thought. I may never. Or, nothing has changed from the original, devastating, statements that he made. I deluded myself into thinking he was considering my words. I asked for a choice, he had no intention of restating. I don't know.

Miss is a highly insufficient word.

I will still say good morning. Every morning. Which means more. I'll just say it aloud.

SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER

This book could be a tragedy so easily. The line that makes me cry?

"He never expected a happy ending."

When I first read it, I was in a completely different place, I thought , just maybe, I'd found that unexpected happy ending in the man that took my breath away. Things are different now. I have no clue what the future holds. My present isn't very happy. I'm still shattered and damaged and so fucking confused how exactly this is where I am. I desperately wanted that happy ending that I thought I had found the beginning of. I needed it. You know what else the book reminds me of?

To keep seeking.

So I will try. I will look at this tattoo, and remember that.

Ugh. Expanded.

 I've been up all night, sobbing and vomiting and heaving when I was empty.

I didn't send good morning to him this morning. I had returned to that, as a way to touch him, reach out. I still thought it. Good morning, James. I love you. 

Last night I called him. For the second time I said angry words. I have said so many words, and gotten no response, so he could process. 

See, I thought maybe I'd made a difference. Maybe we were getting closer to...a return. Nope. His words apparently still stand. He doesn't love me. I never had a chance.

When I lost my teeth, it was one of the most traumatic days of my life. I sent him a message asking not to give up on me. He said he wasn't, with a heart. I knew he had gone to Umstead that day. I didn't know she was with him.

He says he didn't cheat on me. He believes that. Maybe I'm wrong. He talked to her constantly for months and spent that day with her, but never told me about it. I'm not clingy or jealous in general. A lie of omission is still a lie.

When we talked about where to go, he wanted to rebuild a friendship with me, and date her. I asked if he thought this wS okay, and he always said yes. Y'all know how I feel about him. He's heard it more. I love him. I'm in love with him. I want to be with him.

He does this thing, I don't know how conscious he is of it, but he poses. He's above average gorgeous. He glows like the sun. Like, stop and stare level. If he knows he's being looked at, he poses. The last time we hung out, he posed. For me. He also moved so I couldn't accidentally touched him. I thought I had a chance.

I can't be his friend when I crave his touch. I dream about kissing him, and being wrapped in him. I crave it with my whole body and being. I want him.

I have no words for what I've done. I want to apologize. I hung up on him. An unfinished conversation. Maybe it was.

I love him. I'm in love with him. I want to be with him. I want to talk to him. I want to hear about his work. I want to make him laugh. I want to see the things that make him laugh, or think of me. I want all of him. 

I think he's mad at me.

He said he would make me a priority.

I'll probably only get silence from this point from him.

He doesn't love me.

I'm a fool for thinking I was worthy of him.

I'm just, a fool.

I love him.

But.

I. Won't. Fucking. Crawl.

Addendum:

I don't know what to do, but I know that he shouldn't get to keep my loyalty and adoration if I'm going to be without the physical that I crave. If he wants to rebuild anything, he'll have to make the effort to match his words. My actions vs words have been consistent. He said rebuilding with me, a friendship, was a priority, but I've asked for time and made plans. Which is a softening and a hardening of position. I know that my misplaced faith and hope have made me look a fool. I guess I thought his actions gave me hope when I was getting no words. It was my failing. Not his.

 For this.

Addendum 2:

I didn't send Good morning again today. Though I picked up my phone and thought it.

Good morning, James. I love you. I hope you have a lovely day.

In case I didn't make it clear, he has apologized for how he handled this situation. 

He's not in love with me. He has no interest in being in love with me, I suppose.

I guess I wanted to be worth some effort. I know it's only been a couple of days since I hung up on him. I don't know if he's mad. I shouldn't care.

But there's a giant James shaped hole in my life. Feels like it's in my being. And it's empty. 

I know how fucking pathetic I seem in all of this.

I think he's worth it.

But I can't change anything.

I can't.

I generally write these stream of consciousness style, but I'm actually working on Tuesday night's epic post. Epic. It requires research. And is looking to be long as fuck.

Thank you for sticking with me.

And good morning, James.

If you see this.

Even if you don't. 

Rainy Night Thoughts

 I know that I don't usually post this often, it is what it is. It helps me order my thoughts, sometimes. I hurt my own feelings tonight. In my excitement about the new tattoo appointment, I looked at instagram, which I haven't done. And I got to see that she posted kissy faces to him, and it was like falling. Like a pit opened under me. Again. Partially, I wish I had been secure enough to do it. Heart eyes are why I left Instagram in the first place. But I really always kind of thought that he didn't want anyone to know about us. I don't know if he reads these, but I haven't said and I'm not going to say anything that I haven't said to him. I've been open and clear about how I feel. 

Our first conversation after he broke up with me, I learned that she never knew that he was dating anyone. We'd been together for over a year, but he just never mentioned me. His work was fucked up and the world was fucked up. I'm not trying to make excuses for him, nor do I want to make him look bad. I'm in love with him, still. There are some other things, but the people that I've confided in and sought advice from, those that know him are surprised, because this is not like him. At all. The way this happened is an aberration. I expressed to him that the fact that he wanted to pursue a relationship with someone that started in deceit seemed contradictory to the man I've known for 17 years. I have asked, and he has said, that I didn't do anything to cause this. I don't have anything to make up for. I knew something was off, but I thought we were headed for a conversation, not just goodbye. I thought I was worth a conversation, not a changing story. So i don't exactly know what is true. He wants to rebuild a friendship with me, and date her. Knowing that I want to be with him, fully. Better than we were. Communicating more. I'm just supposed to be okay not being able to touch the man I didn't wrong in any way. We've been hanging out. I love our time together, I love talking to him, I love hearing his thoughts, I love everything about it, except the bit where I can't hold his hand, or kiss him. I'm just as comfortable as I was, except I want to touch him. I want it all back, not at once, but I want it all. Better. I know a lot more about myself now than I did then, I know that seems crazy, but it's been a hell of a couple of months, starting with the realization that I wasn't handling this situation "correctly." I really don't want to go into that right now, it's an ongoing process. I refer to my support group, I actually made a support group in messenger, people I trust implicitly, people that I know love me. They are my sounding board to help keep me grounded. They are my touchstone. I appreciate all of them. A few of them don't get along, and a few of them are fighting their own battles, but they are my tribe. The people I trust. 

So, I'm fighting for this thing. I just want the chance that was taken away without conversation when he started a relationship with someone else. I'm not naive, or delusional. I've seen the specialist. Hell, I've seen pictures of my brain. I have no idea how he feels about the things I have expressed in hurricanes and blizzards of words, I've gotten very few back as of yet. He ponders. I'm trying to act more normal in every day life.

We all want that John Hughes movie moment, right? That one moment, that one kiss, when you know that a choice has been made. That surge of happy. Choice is sacred, but I actually asked him to choose to give us the chance he unilaterally took away. I don't miss having someone, I miss him. Still. We chat. We hang out. But I want all of it. I'm not usually jealous, but the thought of them together really fucking hurts, because I wanted to be worth that conversation, that acknowledgement of an issue, that chance at working it out. I want to scream that I need him to choose me, but I can't push. What if I lose him totally? That's crushing. Yes, I can hear one of you saying that if it can be destroyed by the truth, then it should be. But that means that the truth is I'm not even worth that conversation, that chance. I've said before that I have forgiven him for almost everything. I just want him to give us a chance, but I don't know how to make up for something I didn't do wrong, but I feel that's what I'm trying to do. I just want him to choose to give us a chance, without her as a consideration. Yes, I hear your groans and disagreement.

I know him. Many have heard me say that he is the best man I've ever known. People make mistakes, and fuck up, and people do change. Seventeen years. I want to be with him. I'm in love with him. I know him. And even now, I trust him.

I'm not doing this for manipulation, or guilt, or anything other that getting the words out of my head. Explaining, I guess. I used to get accused, a lot, of trying to manipulate with my true feelings, even with logic. Or silence. Or speaking. I know that I have always had self esteem issues. There's a lot of therapy and medical help on my current path. Like I said, I understand a few things that I didn't before, about me. I even know which part of my brain reacts when I think about him, visually. I just feel like I'm stuck in limbo.

There are plenty of pretty words about him in previous posts. All of those are still true for me. So for now, I hope, and have faith. Faith in the man that I know.

(I'm not an idiot. I realize that my faith may be misplaced, that this interlude of comfort and hanging out, I could lose that, too. Pretty sure that that would be my choice to make, watching the person you love and want to be with whole heartedly, fall for someone else, while wanting to keep the friendship bits of your relationship would be devastating to me. It's not like I could be happy for him, knowing that I wasn't even worth trying to work things out. I feel cheated. Not just cheated on, but cheated out of what I had, with no notice. This is in no way a mutual separation. I love him. All of him. For more reasons that I have words for. He fascinates me. I'm in love with him. I want to be with him. I choose him, a chance at a return to us, every day. Consciously. With much consideration.

Here, have a meme.

Mariah Carey makes me a bit nauseous, but.... All I want for Christmas is him....

(Enjoy the ear worm.)

Maybe the potential of someone else will always be better than the reality of me. Emotions aren't magic. Relationships take effort. And choice. 

Rainy Day Thoughts

 One of the reasons I've always doubted whether I'm as lovable or less disposable than other people is odd, but has been a constant in my life. Again, I'm not looking for sympathy, and I damn sure don't want pity, for fucks sake. Just therapy things, but something I've actually known how to articulate for a while. First, let's review what art, and making means to me. Art is life. Creation is life. Beauty is everywhere. I love to make things and create gifts for people. I truly do. I think about the recipient, and it's very intentional. It may be a love language thing, but I equally value time as well, and touch from very specific people. No touchy, for the vast majority. I love gifts that are given to me that made people think of me. I don't think people think of me much, at all. 

Okay. So in all of my important relationships, I've gotten to hear about things done for exes, or see things made for them, or friends. Like, I used to walk 4 hours to see this girl. Before single color christmas lights were available, I spent 8 hours replacing all of the bulbs in a string with a single color so she could have what she wanted. Look at this beautiful jewelry thing I made for a friend, with one of your favorite motifs. It's not all about making, but the thought put into things as well. Those are all real examples, but I didn'r get things like that. I don't want to ask for things to be done for me. It's that thought and time that I cherish. I don't want to ask why I wasn't worthy of that time and thought. I know plenty of reasons why. It's just something that I carry nside of me, a desperate wish that I was worth that time. That somebody made something for me, thinking about me. But I'm a background human. Maybe I'm too accepting? Too, there?   I would like to believe that I'm missed, that I'm thought of, that somebody made art for me. Unintended italics, don't feel like fixing it. But that seems petty. I do have little things that made people think of me. And maybe my love of art is irrational. Who know? But it does contribute to making me feel... less than.

Also, art related, I'm glad that I didn't have the money to get all of the tattoos that I wanted when I was younger. I'm working on getting some now, I have an appointment for the most important one I've ever gotten coming up. No, I won't tell you what it is. I will tell you that it is going to be "upside down" so it faces me, because it is for me. I'm already planning what is going next to it. And on the corresponding opposite bit of my body. It will also be the most visible of any of mine. And the second smallest. I'm so excited. My tattoos, so far, are about the art, not meaning. This one is mostly meaning. I'm crying thinking about it. And what it means to me.

A couple of notable exceptions to the things done for me whine...Stephen wrote a novel based on a character based on me. I never doubted how he felt about me as a human. Someone did drive 8 hours or so to roll around naked with me, who hadn't ever done that with me before, after 8 years or so of flirting. He was the first person I ever talked to in a bar to intentionally hit on. True story. Suits and boots, man. They get to me. He has also sent me...things. So, I do realize that I get things. Which makes me feel...ungrateful and petty? Why don't I inspire that in romantic relationships? I really want to. Ugh. 

Off to do something super scary, in the rain. Vague, I know, but I am contradictorally very private and pretty open. It's a thing. It's something I can drive myself to and from, at least. It will be fine. 

Contradictory

 There are things that seem very contradictory about me. They make sense to me.

I think about the ramifications of choices, yet I frequently make decisions based on a magic 8 ball app. I identify as pagan, witch, with a big touch of hoodoo and voodoo. I know a myriad of deities, and I speak to them. I pray. Do I believe that they are sitting around somewhere, as depicted? Nope. I believe that they are identifiable aspects of personalities and concepts, and for me, prayer is visualization. I focus on explaining what I want or need, as if to a higher power, and it is clearer to me in my mind and mindset. I use cartomancy in the same way, it's a shift in perspective, it may make me see something in a different light, or from a different direction. I don't really beleive in fate, I believe in choice. Choice is sacred. The deities I pray to, and speak to? Mostly those of doorways and crossroads, and those tend to be the ones that focus on communication as well. Funny, that. All you have is your own choices. Make them deliberate. Or leave it up to a magic 8 ball. You still chose to do that, after all.

I have a couple of art type projects that I'm going to start writing down. When I was a wee sprout, after the debut of MTV, my brain had a vehicle to imagine things to go with music, little visual stories. I've done this my whole life. Sometimes it's choreography, Solid Gold style. Sometimes it's burlesque, which I love as an art form. I've always wanted to do it, but I'm not really attractive enough. I've always wanted to host it in a way that I haven't really seen it hosted, produce shows that are different than what I've seen. Different celebrations of the art form. I don't know how to do these things. Lately, I've been wanting to do a photography project, based on songs, I have the vision of what I want it to look like. But I would need models, and make up artists, and help making things. I know who I want to help with the making things, who could see this with me, but that is James, and that is still undetermined. I'm not good at makeup. Though I can see what i want in my head, another makeup point of view might make it better. The one I've been thinking about most, lately is the song Potions by Puscifer. Oddly, I would be the model for this one, which I've been wanting to do some of, lately. Which is new, for me. I know what I want the look to be. What shots I want. The thing is, if you are a part of any artist community, you know that artists, models, make up, hair, all of them deserve to be paid for their time and work, and I can't really do that. So, it would be the dreaded exposure, which I can't even really offer much of right now. I need to build a community of people who believe in the project, and would volunteer, for art's sake. I would absolutely pay if I could, even in the future, but that is a huge ask, and I fully understand how demeaning it can sound, so I'm stuck. Here's the song, if you are unfamiliar,  Potions. It's one of my favorite songs, it makes me wiggly in the pants bits. It seems like a bad breakup song, but it was written about the pain after someone dies. It's also a drug song. This is not how I feel about James, as my support group knows, as he knows, just to make that clear. I want every minute. I want more of them. My vision looks nothing like this video. It's black and white, and sexy, nad has horns and rhinestones and corset and boots. I have a dark burlesque number that lives in my head to this as well. Part of a show I'll probably never get to make real.

I'm going to rewrite my novel. I finished it over 20 years ago, I've rewritten it multiple times over the years. The characters and story have changed. One more again.

I have thrown a hurricane of words at James. I get very few back. Which is a part of loving him how and who he is. I can't say anything more, I don't think. I want another chance, though I didn't break this one. I realize I may not get it. He also made his choices. They say you don't get second chances, and that people don't change, but I don't believe either. People do change. I used to lie a lot. Because I was unsatisfied and bored. Now I value honesty. I did lie to him about something, I haven't been open with him about something else, about me, but I will. I haven't been completely forthcoming with my support group, yet, either, because I'm devastated and struggling. Turns out, I'm not just weak of mind. That is a story for another time. Maybe. I never want pity or sympathy. I don't want things given to me for those reasons. I don't want special treatment. I want things that I have earned.

I don't know what to do from here. I'm kind of just rambling. A few things that I do know:

I appreciate you for reading this.

I appreciate my support group.

There is no good way for me to feel supported right now. I know I am, but I can't believe it, or feel it. Which is weird.

I value your opinion. Though I make my own choices.

I asked for a choice this week. For someone to make one. I've never done this. Choice is sacred.

Another thing that I know. I want James. I want to be with him. I want him to want to rebuild something with me. Build something better. My feelings haven't changed. They are steady and true. I'm not being naive, or too trusting. I am neither of those things. My karma is clear in this situation, once I come totally clean. I'm afraid that the hurricane of words has blown him further away. But they are me, and my truth. I love him fully, with no reservations. I miss him like I miss the sun after days of rain. I know he's not a magic bullet that will fix everything. I know it won't be easy. But he is magic. As am I. And the potions thing, if there was a potion to make him be with me, instead of forget? I wouldn't take it. I want him in honesty and truth. Fully. Unabashedly. Whole heartedly. Openly. Truly. I can't explain in words, no matter how many of them there are. Me and my truth may not be enough. Just me may not be enough. All i can do is be me. I don't want to wait for years. I didn't break the thing. But I am trying to fix it. He may not want to. This is the first time I've lost someone this traumatically that wasn't by death. That I wanted back. Fully, not as something different, Well, I do want something different, a stronger romantic partnership. I am unabashed and unashamed. Of this, at least. My dead get a hurricane of words as well. But, this time, he can hear them. Or read them, as the case may be.

True

 I want to thank those who have been by my side this week. I found my support. I put my trust in my tribe. I took a couple of really hard steps. Forward, I hope with all of my being.

I am so grateful for you.

When I've had enough
I'll get a pickup truck and I'll drive away
I'll take my last ten bucks just as far as it will go
Sometimes I'm easily fooled
I take a painful step and I get knocked back two
I do what I can and it's all I can do

But I'm true
And if I had the choice I'd take the voice I got
Cause it was hard to find
You know I've come too far to wind up right back where I started
And they tell me who I should be
I'll never let those monkeys make a mess of me
I give all I am and it's all I can do

But I'm true
One more sunset
Lay my head down

True
One more sunrise
Open my eyes up

True
And then they talk you up and then they talk you down
And you begin to doubt
Sometimes the reasons seem so very far away
But I'd stop breathing today
Cause if I can't walk proud, I'd rather walk away
I do all I am and it's all I can do

But I'm true
I'd give all I am and I'd give it to you
True
So true

https://youtu.be/Ps1cfX68_Fw